Notes from the Red Bird House

My dad turns ninety-three today. Yes, really. He was an "old dad" when I was born - he was forty-one - and well ahead of his time. Dads having kids in their forties is much more common today that it was in mine. Many thought he was my grandfather until they got to know us. Dad and I reveled in our age difference - about the time I was considered an "adult" at the movie theater, he was a "senior;" I don't think we ever paid two full price admissions to a movie. And we went to a lot of movies together. We can't go see a movie for his birthday, nor can I even hang out and watch one with him (though I am giving him a new blu-ray for his vast collection - "Captain America," his first Avengers movie). Covid stole all that.  I moved to this god-forsaken desert to spend time with my dad. I've only seen him a handful of times since March. Don't get me wrong. I couldn't be happier about how his assisted living facility has handled the p...

"There is little besides my heart that can bring me to my knees."  ~ Stacee Ann Harris At the moment, I'm attempting to revel in my strength. It's kind of a fake it until you make it proposition because I really don't feel all that strong right now. I keep telling myself 'this' (details NOT forthcoming) will make me stronger in the long run....You have to be weak before you can be strong....Strength always starts as weakness.....Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Blah, blah, meh...... Everyone tells me I'm soooooooooooooooo strong. I'm the strongest person they know. Seriously? I'm feeling a lot right now, but "Strong" isn't on the list.  And look, I've survived far worse and I will assuredly survive this. It's just that - f*** - I didn't expect to be here. Not now, not ever again. Wishful and fanciful thinking on my part? Oh, I'll admit to that. F*** me, one of these times it has to work out. It just has to. ...

It's not a daily thing. Days pass and I don't even give her a thought. Then a cousin sends some old pictures and I spend a bit of time missing her. My girlfriend, when I show her the pics my cousin sent, comments on how much I look like my mom. Maybe that's because with my hair longer and shaggy like this (Mom in her 40s and 50s tended to get the same wingy sides as I do when my hair is this length), I do look a lot like her. So much that I see her every time I look in the mirror. I always knew it would happen. It means my mom is around. I guess I'm lucky that way. I get to miss her less. Still there are times...moments...when I'm taken completely by surprise...when suddenly I miss her. I remember the first time. I was walking up the main paint aisle at work, just doing my normal thing in the middle of a normal workday. It was February, I'm sure of. Mom had been gone maybe six weeks. I hadn't spent even one moment missing her. I thought I'd come to ter...

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.  Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they are never weakness."  ~ Brene Brown "We can do hard things." ~ Glennon Doyle I was super, duper close to titling this blog/vlog "Weakness, Actually." I wanted to play on what is apparently turning into a series of blogs/vlog ending with the word "actually." I started by posting an old blog called "Courage, Actually" as a vlog a few weeks back and then followed up last week by posting a vlog of a new blog called "Ironic, Actually." The latter was intended to be a rebuttal of the former. See? I'm really not as courageous as I may have led y'all to believe. Reception to my crow-eating rebuttal was all-together positive. People get fear - they really do. By and large, they thought it took a lot of courage to write and speak openly about my fears and my battle with them. Still..........

A couple days ago, I posted my first ever vlog. It was  just me reading an old blog from December 2018 called, "Courage, Actually." I chose it specifically because it's about accepting life's challenge and fearlessly stepping outside your comfort zone. Making and posting a video of myself was a big step outside my personal comfort zone - in fact, I have long said it's something I would never do - so I felt the topic was timely and appropriate. Reception of the vlog among my Facebook friends and followers was immediately positive. I breathed a huge sigh of relief. Courage for the win. I worry, though, that I have falsely painted myself as some courageous-comfort-zone-and-fear-defying crusader. In reality, that's just not me. Not these days...and I think it's time for me to come clean. It's kind of ironic, actually. And hard for me to admit. This might be the barest I have stripped myself in a long time. For the past few months, I have been mired in ...

The bludgeon rises Steady On knees Hands raised Weapon down I do not plead Beg Grovel Or Flinch Each blow taken Deserved Earned Harder Please harder Soul bloodied Tear-stained Unbowed Another Please another.

"People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses."  ~Brene Brown  Here is my story.... A few months ago, before my first phone date with a woman I'd met on a dating site, a good friend introduced me to vulnerability. I'd been freaking the f*** out about the upcoming call for days. Yes, it was just a phone date. I kept trying to tell myself that over and over, but the more I thought about it, the bigger it got. And the more nervous I got. You see, I hadn't dated anyone in years (YEARS) and I had never dated anyone like her. If her voice, I told myself, was half as awesome as her text messages, she'd be The One. But first I had to overcome everything I felt holding me back - nerves, fear, my past. In my mind, everything - literally the rest of my life - hinged on this phone call. After saying this probably a few too many times, my friend brought in the big gun, a Ted Talk by Brene Brown. Vulne...