Happiness....Eventually

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"There is little besides my heart that can bring me to my knees." 

~ Stacee Ann Harris


At the moment, I'm attempting to revel in my strength. It's kind of a fake it until you make it proposition because I really don't feel all that strong right now. I keep telling myself 'this' (details NOT forthcoming) will make me stronger in the long run....You have to be weak before you can be strong....Strength always starts as weakness.....Pain is just weakness leaving the body. Blah, blah, meh...... Everyone tells me I'm soooooooooooooooo strong. I'm the strongest person they know. Seriously? I'm feeling a lot right now, but "Strong" isn't on the list. 

And look, I've survived far worse and I will assuredly survive this. It's just that - f*** - I didn't expect to be here. Not now, not ever again. Wishful and fanciful thinking on my part? Oh, I'll admit to that. F*** me, one of these times it has to work out. It just has to. Doesn't it? My track record is absolute sh**. Certainly the law of averages will kick in or the Universe will decide to right all the wrongs at some point. Today, sadly, is not that day, and it's highly unlikely tomorrow will be either. In the meantime, I'm trying to tell myself that I'll end up better for the experience. If I don't end up even more jaded and cynical than I was six months ago. At least then I retained a glimmer of hope. FYI, that glimmer is rapidly fading. 

Still I know I 'got this' (Thanks, Tonya for consistently reminding me of that fact). Warning: Running analogy ahead...... It's like going out for a long run on a summer morning. You committed to a fall half marathon for some reason you can't quite remember as you step out of your car and into the "fishbowl." It's hot and humid and the sun hasn't even come up yet. It's your day off and you're out early because it's only going to get more unbearable. So you re-tie your shoes and take a cleansing breath. You got this. Maybe. Twelve miles. Twelve. You did ten the previous week. You survived. You'll survive again. Last week, though, that was a bitch. Slogging through similar conditions, ringing out your sweaty tank top as you ran. Heart racing, legs aching. Doubt plaguing every step. Somehow you worked a miracle. You can do it again. You got this. It's now or fucking never so you start the watch and take your first step. The f*** I got this. Jesus Christ, how am I ever going to do this sh** for twelve God damn miles? You try to shake the self-doubt, but it keeps coming and coming. You channel everything you know to channel. The power of positive thinking, inspirational quotes, prayer which will seem odd as you are an atheist. About Mile 7, mental fortitude slips away. You're more than halfway. F*** you. By Mile 10, you are surviving on sheer will alone. You can't stop. You won't stop. You're never doing another half marathon ever again. You promise yourself this over and over again. This is bullsh**. Somehow your legs keep going and your heart keeps beating. You don't die. You survive. You finish. End of running analogy.

I know I'll make it. I'm going to hate it, curse it, and wish it would just f***ing stop. Or just f***ing get easier. And it will. It will. I know this. Because I've done it all before. I survived, rediscovered happy.  I'll let you in on two things - (1) I am buoyant - I may go under, but I always come back up, and (2) I will be happy. I worked too damn hard to get this life I'm living and I'll be damned if I'll let anyone take it from me. Happiness is guaranteed.....eventually. 

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