Every Single Badass Drop of It (aka the one about vulnerability)

"People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses." ~Brene Brown 

Here is my story....

A few months ago, before my first phone date with a woman I'd met on a dating site, a good friend introduced me to vulnerability. I'd been freaking the f*** out about the upcoming call for days. Yes, it was just a phone date. I kept trying to tell myself that over and over, but the more I thought about it, the bigger it got. And the more nervous I got. You see, I hadn't dated anyone in years (YEARS) and I had never dated anyone like her. If her voice, I told myself, was half as awesome as her text messages, she'd be The One. But first I had to overcome everything I felt holding me back - nerves, fear, my past. In my mind, everything - literally the rest of my life - hinged on this phone call. After saying this probably a few too many times, my friend brought in the big gun, a Ted Talk by Brene Brown. Vulnerability, Melinda and Brene, told me was the key to my success. If couldn't well up the courage to be truly vulnerable, I was never going to find what I had been seeking - a deeply loving and enduring relationship.

"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage." 

~ Brene Brown

Long story short, I did it. I laid myself wide open, showed her the authentic, truly REAL me. I did the same thing two weeks later we finally met in person and I've tried and tried and tried to keep doing it every day since. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. Not at all. But I will argue that it's worth it.

~~~

Life is painful, isn't it? We can hardly reach adulthood before something really tragic befalls our heart and soul. And now you want us to what? Show up? Be seen? Lay ourselves out there to be severed or skewered or laughed at? Believe me, I understand. God, do I understand. Vulnerability is scary, terrifying actually. To lay ourselves out, give ourselves over - heart, soul, and body - to another? To trust them with everything we are and want to be, to trust them with our most fierce and undying love? Our past says that only pain and suffering await. "Don't do it!" our past beseeches us. So we don't. Or if we do, we make sure we reel it in before the devastation sets in. It's inevitable. We know this better than we know the backs of our own hands. So we put up guard rails and build walls. We've got this. No one will ever hurt us again.

I know this pain. I know this devastation. I know this despair. My past...It warns me, tells me not to, shows me all the ways it could go wrong, has gone wrong. And yet......I continually choose to push that fear aside. The battle is daily, often hour by hour, but I do it. I allow myself to be truly authentic and vulnerable. I lay myself bare - mind, body, soul, and heart. Risks and my past be damned. Because I know showing my vulnerability is the only way I will ever get the loving relationship I want. And if that relationship doesn't work out, I will know beyond a doubt that it wasn't because I allowed myself to be held back my fears or my past. So, vulnerability it is.

I have seen both sides of the vulnerability coin. Been the one laying myself on the line and been blessed to be present when another has done the same. I will tell you this - The moments you allow yourself to be vulnerable and love without fear are beyond compare. You become even more breathtaking, even more awe-inspiring. To be surrounded by, to feel that love is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced with another human being. What I saw - what I experienced - was a woman who wasn't afraid to show her true emotions and let herself love and be loved. A woman who laid her heart and soul wide open, authentic and supremely vulnerable. A woman who was fearless and untamed, loving fiercely and beautifully.

Imagine... So many of us hide all that beauty behind guard rails and walls. We mean to protect ourselves but in truth we are short-changing the world. Who are we to hide who we truly are? Who are we to think that we are less than?

But, damn, it can be uncomfortable. Peeling away all that has shielded us, protected us? Showing up naked, figuratively speaking, and being seen? It's icky, disconcerting, and anxiety producing. That's what happens every time we step outside out comfort zone. It's awful and so tempting to retreat quickly to safety behind our walls, behind who we've always been. "Yeah, Past, you were right. It's ucky out there. I. Just. Can't." But then where will we be? I'll tell you. We will be right where we have always been. And, even though it's warm and comfy, I'm not too fond of that place.

There are no guarantees. In the end, it's not about winning and losing. It's about knowing that we had the courage - that we were badass enough - to show up and be seen. If those around us can't handle that, it's their loss. Someone out there will appreciate everything we bring. Every. Single. Badass. Drop. Of. It.