Courage, Actually
I've determined that life is all about having the courage to live it. Ok, so full disclosure. It's Christmas Day and I just got done watching "Love Actually." I know. I know. Several of the storylines are about adultery and you're squeamish, if a bit offended. I'm going to ask you to look past that. And, really, no one commits any actual adultery....even though they think about it. So let's agree to focus on the movie's broader theme of fearlessness and courage. It's far more positive and can be applied to more in life than just the pursuit of love.
Not much chokes me up or makes me cry, but when Sam breaks free and runs through the airport in pursuit of "the love of his life," I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because, dammit, here's a ten-year-old kid who has the courage NONE OF US HAVE. In his mind, his entire life has been whittled down to this one moment - Run after her and tell her just so she'll know or live the REST OF HIS LIFE (Remember he's only ten so he's got a long way to go) wondering and kicking himself for not having the courage in the moment.
Once upon a time I watched a woman at a gym for something like seven months. It's not as smarmy as that. I'd just notice when she was there and it always made my workout better. After my girlfriend and I broke up, I decided (Well, like a couple months later) that I was going to talk to her. Finally, I worked up the courage and vowed that the next time I saw her, I'd say something, anything really. On that day, she spoke first, having made the same vow with herself. Eight months later she dumped me for a doctor. Don't let the fact that it didn't work out ("Momumentally" is a good description of how much and how badly it didn't work out) diminish the reality of the situation. There was a time when Jamie and I were courageous enough to actually speak to one another. If we never had, we'd never know. As shitty as the aftermath was, I don't regret any of it.
After that, I guess I went back to living the life I always had; the life 99% of people live. It's not that we are cowards. Ok, it is. We're cowards. We don't accept the challenge for fear of failure or embarassment or fill-in-the-blank-with-the-negative-emotion-of-your-choice. We live safe, make safe choices. We don't chase the girl, say what we feel. We settle for what's easy. As I look around this Starbuck's (the only place open on Christmas Day), I wonder how many of these people live with any amount of courage at all.
And I'm not just talking about love. I'm talking about life, life in general. How often do we push the edges of our comfort zone? Do we buy the airline ticket? Take the job? Run the race? Write the novel? Publish the novel?
Somewhere along the line, I guess I got bored. Or determined. Or pissed at my lack of courage. I'm pretty sure it was all three. Everything began changing for me the day I swiped right and bought my first international airline ticket. Copenhagen by way of Houston and Amsterdam. My hand shook, damn did my hand shake. $618. That's what that first round trip ticket cost. It wasn't the cost. It was the what-ifs - What would people say? Sweden? Why the fuck Sweden? (In fact, it's still the most oft asked question about my travels). And what about my introversion? Fuck, Stacee, you don't do well in strange situations, the whole fucking thing is going to be strange! What if you can't do it?
Fuck y'all. I'm driving a Volvo in Sweden whether you think I will or not.
And I did (I've since also driven a Toyota Yaris in Iceland). I've said numerous times that I had no idea how that first trip would go. I came home two weeks later completely changed. No less introverted, but so much more confident. Courageous. I'd faced a zillion fears and I survived.
It wasn't until I found myself running along the coast of Iceland more than eighteen months later that I truly realized the personal power I'd created. After living a marginally goal-directed life, taking the easy way out countless times, I'd finally become a person I admired. I set goals (big-ish goals) and I accomplished them. Check. Check. Check.
I cried that day, too. The day I raced in Iceland. I also cried the day I returned to Stockholm in October 2017, less than six months after I promised myself I'd be back. I stood in the airport and looked out over the tarmac while tears ran down my cheeks.
So I guess I cry more than I let on in the intro. I suppose that's why "Love Actually" gets me every damn time. Pursuing love isn't easy. Sure for me the movie is more of an analogy than anything, but I love seeing courageous people doing courageous things. It's just love? A stupid love story? Ok, I can accept that you feel that way. But man..... When's the last time you chased the person who just might be the love of your life through an airport? Or told the woman of your dreams how you feel about her? When's the last time your stripped yourself emotionally and spiriutally naked and presented yourself to the world? Courage. That takes so much more courage than most of us have. More courage than I have...and I have a lot.
Because I'll run all seven continents, make countless trips, drive countless cars in countless countries, publish hundreds of books, rock climb, skydive.......God, do a thousand things that terrify me.....before I will ever stand in front of anyone and say how I feel ever again.
Unless I get bored. Or determined. Or pissed at my lack of courage. Remember, I am goal-directed these days and I did drive a Volvo in Sweden. One of these days you might just see me running through an airport. Figuratively speaking, of course.
So as a moral to this story... Find your Stockholm, your Icelandic coastline, your reason to run through an airport. And the courage to make it all happen. Because that - THAT - is where and when life will begin.
Not much chokes me up or makes me cry, but when Sam breaks free and runs through the airport in pursuit of "the love of his life," I cry EVERY SINGLE TIME. Because, dammit, here's a ten-year-old kid who has the courage NONE OF US HAVE. In his mind, his entire life has been whittled down to this one moment - Run after her and tell her just so she'll know or live the REST OF HIS LIFE (Remember he's only ten so he's got a long way to go) wondering and kicking himself for not having the courage in the moment.
Once upon a time I watched a woman at a gym for something like seven months. It's not as smarmy as that. I'd just notice when she was there and it always made my workout better. After my girlfriend and I broke up, I decided (Well, like a couple months later) that I was going to talk to her. Finally, I worked up the courage and vowed that the next time I saw her, I'd say something, anything really. On that day, she spoke first, having made the same vow with herself. Eight months later she dumped me for a doctor. Don't let the fact that it didn't work out ("Momumentally" is a good description of how much and how badly it didn't work out) diminish the reality of the situation. There was a time when Jamie and I were courageous enough to actually speak to one another. If we never had, we'd never know. As shitty as the aftermath was, I don't regret any of it.
After that, I guess I went back to living the life I always had; the life 99% of people live. It's not that we are cowards. Ok, it is. We're cowards. We don't accept the challenge for fear of failure or embarassment or fill-in-the-blank-with-the-negative-emotion-of-your-choice. We live safe, make safe choices. We don't chase the girl, say what we feel. We settle for what's easy. As I look around this Starbuck's (the only place open on Christmas Day), I wonder how many of these people live with any amount of courage at all.
And I'm not just talking about love. I'm talking about life, life in general. How often do we push the edges of our comfort zone? Do we buy the airline ticket? Take the job? Run the race? Write the novel? Publish the novel?
Somewhere along the line, I guess I got bored. Or determined. Or pissed at my lack of courage. I'm pretty sure it was all three. Everything began changing for me the day I swiped right and bought my first international airline ticket. Copenhagen by way of Houston and Amsterdam. My hand shook, damn did my hand shake. $618. That's what that first round trip ticket cost. It wasn't the cost. It was the what-ifs - What would people say? Sweden? Why the fuck Sweden? (In fact, it's still the most oft asked question about my travels). And what about my introversion? Fuck, Stacee, you don't do well in strange situations, the whole fucking thing is going to be strange! What if you can't do it?
Fuck y'all. I'm driving a Volvo in Sweden whether you think I will or not.
And I did (I've since also driven a Toyota Yaris in Iceland). I've said numerous times that I had no idea how that first trip would go. I came home two weeks later completely changed. No less introverted, but so much more confident. Courageous. I'd faced a zillion fears and I survived.
It wasn't until I found myself running along the coast of Iceland more than eighteen months later that I truly realized the personal power I'd created. After living a marginally goal-directed life, taking the easy way out countless times, I'd finally become a person I admired. I set goals (big-ish goals) and I accomplished them. Check. Check. Check.
I cried that day, too. The day I raced in Iceland. I also cried the day I returned to Stockholm in October 2017, less than six months after I promised myself I'd be back. I stood in the airport and looked out over the tarmac while tears ran down my cheeks.
So I guess I cry more than I let on in the intro. I suppose that's why "Love Actually" gets me every damn time. Pursuing love isn't easy. Sure for me the movie is more of an analogy than anything, but I love seeing courageous people doing courageous things. It's just love? A stupid love story? Ok, I can accept that you feel that way. But man..... When's the last time you chased the person who just might be the love of your life through an airport? Or told the woman of your dreams how you feel about her? When's the last time your stripped yourself emotionally and spiriutally naked and presented yourself to the world? Courage. That takes so much more courage than most of us have. More courage than I have...and I have a lot.
Because I'll run all seven continents, make countless trips, drive countless cars in countless countries, publish hundreds of books, rock climb, skydive.......God, do a thousand things that terrify me.....before I will ever stand in front of anyone and say how I feel ever again.
Unless I get bored. Or determined. Or pissed at my lack of courage. Remember, I am goal-directed these days and I did drive a Volvo in Sweden. One of these days you might just see me running through an airport. Figuratively speaking, of course.
So as a moral to this story... Find your Stockholm, your Icelandic coastline, your reason to run through an airport. And the courage to make it all happen. Because that - THAT - is where and when life will begin.
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