Today Is Her Birthday

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Today is her birthday. We are from the same part of Michigan, but we met in a small town in Texas. Which makes me wonder about destiny, fate, intention. I have to believe that she is meant to be in my life. Even though "in my life" simply means that she and I exist in the same world, on the same planet. We don't speak much, text only slightly more, comment on social media occasionally. There are extenuating circumstances - things she doesn't want me to know or hear or worry about on a daily, weekly, or even monthly basis. Regardless, I do worry. I do wonder. I do think of her, about her. Mostly I think should do more, live closer, be present, know the day-to-day and hour-to-hour. She says I have a life to live, that I can't stop just because of her, but... As the years go on and she gets no better and our dreams (because we did have dreams that were ours) remain figments of better time, a healthier time, I have to wonder. I have to think.

I know there are people out there who still probably wonder about us. Surely they have, haven't they? They say they are in love, call each other the love of their life. They used to talk about getting married. They planned to move to Mexico for God's sake. The one is beautiful and seems straight and the other one...well...she has a reputation for falling for (and rumor has it, sleeping with) the beautiful straight ones. Have you seen them together? Felt their energy? Were you there the night they met? When the rest of the room went dark and quiet for the briefest of moments and only they existed? What about when the one had back surgery and the other dropped everything to be there? And who did the one run to in her darkest hour if not the other? And doesn't the one feel guilty for not being closer?

We call each other "PL" - platonic love. I think we may have once confused our energy for something more than platonic, but that nano-second passed in the blink of an eye and we quickly fell into a love that transcends friendship and romance. We have no expectations, requirements, or jealousy. We make no demands.

Which is why she is in Grand Haven, Michigan, and I am not. Even though that is exactly where I should be. There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no miracles waiting in the wings. Just an ever shortening stretch of time and a love that should transcend my need to live and be and travel. Should. I feel unfailingly selfish. She loves me anyway.

One day I will call her and I will say, "Anything you want, you got it," and I will mean it. It's a lyric from our song (yes, we have one) from our movie (yes, we have one). And a promise I hope to one day be able to keep.

In the meantime, today is her birthday and this blog is for her. I should have written it as a Top 10 List - they used to be her favorite - but she doesn't break down easily into ten bullet points. And she knows it. Happy Birthday, PL. I hope it's a great day.

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