I Am Home, Part 2 (aka I Am Full of Sh**)

If you haven't read my last blog post called, "I Am Home, Part 1", you should really read it now before you go any further with this one. Done? Ok, read on.

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"I should be suspicious of what I want."  

~ Rumi

"I don't know anyone who could go through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations." 

~ Michael, Jeff Goldblum's character, "The Big Chill"

I don't want to burst anyone's bubble. As I sit here working on this post, I can see reactions to my last post rolling in. Readers seem to love it. I suppose I can't fault them that. Couched in the terms of positive self-discovery, what's not to love? Stacee's making progress, daring to live her dreams. Wow! So cool! 

I'd whole-heartedly agree, if I didn't know what I know about me. Y'all think I'm a pretty good runner, writer, and tennis player, but you may not realize that I'm even better at self-analysis. In other words, I seldom need anyone to point out my bullshit (Amy, thanks for holding up that mirror on occasion, though) because I am fully capable of recognizing, defining, scrutinizing, and breaking down my crap all on my own. Plus I know a rationalization when I see one. And that last blog post? It was a damn juicy one. 

I got the quote Rumi quote above from a Tim Ferriss Friday email a couple Friday's ago. I subscribed awhile back and every Friday I get a window on five things - quotes, gear, gadgets, music, etc - that have attracted Tim's attention over the course of the week. I gloss over most of it before hitting delete, but that quote caught and has held my attention. Should we be suspicious of what we want? I think the answer in an unequivocal and loud YES!!! (caps and exclamation points intended). 

For example, why do I want a banana nut muffin right now? I'm not particularly hungry - though I can always eat - but I can see it in the pastry case from where I'm sitting. If I let my eyes stray even an inch from my laptop, it's RIGHT THERE staring at me. So why do I want it? Because it's there. And because I ran ten miles this morning and DAMMIT, I earned a little sloppy eating. And because there's a certain amount of comfort to be found in a banana nut muffin. And because what I'm writing is a bit...uncomfortable (you bare your soul and let's see what you grab for comfort...). Ok, so that might be a stretch... 

Another example, why did I want to run (the aforementioned) ten miles this morning? Is it - 

(A) I need to run long to prepare for a race in a couple months and I don't want to die on race day, or...

(B) I wanted to burn a bunch of calories so I could eat next to guilt-free today?

"A" sounds good, doesn't it? Gotta prepare for a race. A sub-two hour half marathon doesn't happen by accident. Blah, blah, blah... New flash - it's a rationalization. Even the race itself is a rationalization. Rumi was right. Tim's right. We should be suspicious of what we want. Why do I want to run a half marathon? Why did I choose to extend my half marathon season to nearly the entire year? Why not run shorter races? 

Lean in real close and I'll tell you. BECAUSE RUNNING LONG DISTANCES BURNS A LOT OF CALORIES. And given that I have an abysmally slow, pre-menopausal metabolism and really, really, really, really like to eat....... I'll let you do the math. 

Someone call me on it...... Come on. I'll give you a hint. We should be suspicious of what we want because very often what we want allows us to hide from our fears. Sooooooo, why do I want to run half marathons? What's the underlying fear? Man, I can't believe I'm telling y'all this. I fear gaining weight. There. Boom. Now you know. 

Sort of. Let's go a little deeper? Why do I not want to gain weight? What's my underlying fear? I'll put it another way. Why do I want to control my weight? Ding-ding. Control. It's about control. I fear being out of control.

[Most people won't even tell their shrink this crap and I'm blogging it? Y'all better be reading with some kindness in your hearts...]

Moving on to my last blog post. You know the one about me discovering home within myself and wanting to spend the rest of my life "homelessly" traveling the world? Ask me - come on, someone ask me - what is it that I fear? Why is that what I want?

Is it - 

(A) I love to travel so much that I want to spend the rest of my life seeing the world, or...

(B) Moving around means I never truly have to connect with anyone?

Ok, look it's probably both. If I hated travel, there are other ways to eschew connection with other human beings. I could become a hermit right here in Austin. Wouldn't be that hard. Piece of land, tiny house, tall fence, a couple mean looking dogs to scare away lookie-loos. Easy-peasy. 

Let's get down to brass tacks and talk about why my last post was a load of b.s. A large part of why I want to spend my life traveling is that I fear connection, true connection. It's why I am my safe space, why I am home. I have built a wall of introversion around myself so tall, so high, that no one can penetrate it. It is my defense and my offense. It protects me and keeps my fears away. It lets me live. 

All this doesn't mean I should give up my dream of traveling the world (or a running half marathon or eating a banana nut muffin). It just means I need to take a good, hard, analytical look at myself and understand why I truly want what I want. Why I  fear what I fear. Why do I fear connection? Why do I fear a lack of control? Fodder for future blogs, perhaps. 

I'm not saying y'all need to scrutinize yourselves like this (it's damn uncomfortable), but if there's something you really want, it might be wise to be a little suspicious of it. Don't get crazy paranoid. Just it ponder a little before jumping in. 

As for me, I'm going hit spell check and have a banana nut muffin. I've had enough self-discovery for one day.