Hitting the Reset Button

Four years ago today, I sort of hit the reset button on my life. It wasn't something I planned to do; I can admit to absolutely no forethought what's so ever. When I emerged on the other side - something I really didn't think would happen - I was changed. And not necessarily for the better right away. That took time. It's still taking time. More than ever before in my life, I feel like I'm in a constant state of self-improvement flux - trying to manage what I know about myself and make it work for me. So far, so good. In most cases.

In many ways, the last four years have been some of the most productive of my life. Some of that has to do with moving through my latter forties. Let's be brutally honest, at best, I'm nearing the halfway mark. At worst...well, we can talk in terms of a couple decades. If your impending mortality - FYI, you only get this one go-round - doesn't make your feet move a little faster, I don't know what will. The rest has to do with the reset button and not wanting to repeat certain mistakes. I have come to understand the necessity of doing me, and exclusively me. Turns out, when I do that, I'm really kind of productive. In the last four years, I have...

• Finished my Masters at St. Edwards University
• Completed a short story collection. And a half dozen or so other stories.
• Donated 10" of my hair to charity.
• Run four half marathons (I'll begin training in June for 5, 6, 7, and 8 - Reykjavik, Houston, Austin, and Austin respectively). 
• Traveled to Europe three times (Fourth is booked - see Reykjavik above. Fifth is in the serious planning stages), including having driven a Volvo in Sweden.
• Written, edited, and self-published my first novel (Ok, so I had it edited by an editor and paid a publisher to make it look cool enough to buy). 
• Created my own website, www.staceeannharris.com
• Posted 100+ blogs.

I'm not presenting this list boastfully. I wrote it as a reminder to myself about how far I've come. For all that I am and all that I believe in, sometimes I forget. Sometimes I forget how extraordinary these kinds of accomplishments are (I promise you, the hair was by far the most arduous of the group). No, I didn't win a gold medal or make a best seller list. I'm not world renown in the world-at-large and I don't seek to be. I simply want to do what I do, inspire others to try a little harder, and live. 

In the past four years, I've also tried really hard to make my introversion work for me, to varying degrees of success. Sometimes I think I'm too good at it. Too good doing me to the exclusion of others. While it's made me productive, it's also made me isolated. Assuredly all by my choice and not for lack of trying on the part of others. But there is necessity in it. At least there has been.

And that's the corner I'm attempting to turn as I go forward. Can I un-isolate myself? Can I connect with others in a real (i.e. personal, non-social-media separating, manner)? Can I withstand the hit to my solitude? The answer for the past four years has been NO. A definitive-all-caps-intended NO. I could barely balance me and the doing of me. Letting anyone else in was unmanageable to the point of being unthinkable. So I just didn't. I did me.

And arguably, I've done it pretty well. Minus the aforementioned gold medal and best seller list, of course. Awhile ago, probably coinciding with the hitting of the reset button, I started wishing exclusively for peace. (Well, and a publishing deal. That one came after the novel, I'm sure). Thus far, I've gotten all the peace I could care to wish for (Not so much on the pub deal but if I had to pick, I'd go with peace every time). I desperately want that to continue and I live my life exclusively with that in mind. 

That's why this whole opening up to connection thing has me worried. If it threatens my peace in any way, it goes straight in the trash. I'll go back to being a full-time, albeit productive, introvert before I let anyone screw with my solitude. It's not like I'm lonely and need the interaction. I am never lonely for anything outside of myself. I want connection just for the sake of connection, not because I need it. And because just once I'd like to feel at least a little normal. 

So, I'm preparing take my strength out for a spin and see what comes. Can I balance an inside life with an outside life? Maybe once I try, I'll realize I'm better off shrouded in my introversion writing novels and running half marathons. Only one way to know these things - I have to try it both ways. I'm really not looking forward to it.