Notes from the Red Bird House

I think I may have called her bluff. Play is always play until someone plays back. I know this to be a fact. How? I've said it before, but I guess I'll say it again for good measure - It's NOT my first Rodeo. I know a game when I see it. And I don't mean 'game' in the negative sense. She wasn't trying to get anything over on me; I'm pretty sure she knows that's not going to happen. Last night she wanted what she wanted and knew I would give it to her. Then I gave her a little more. Bluff. Call. Fold. It all happened from a safe distance. She was where she was and I was where I was. It was ideal and truth be told, I was happy for the miles and the time separating us. Drunk would be dangerous if it was right down the road. At a safe distance, it's well... safe. Via text it's even safer. Games can be played, hints can be dropped, and nothing will come of it. Safe. Perfect. Sterile. I'm telling you, I could carry on an entire relationship l...

Recently a newer friend marvelled at my ability to put all my thoughts and feelings out on the web for all to see. To her, 'blogging', especially a personal blog, meant airing one's dirty laundry and running the risk of that laundry going viral. I explained to her that I've been doing this awhile and, as such, I'm used to it. I further explained that I write about my personal experience with universal topics. Sure, it might be MY reactions, MY thoughts, MY feelings, but I'm no different than anyone. I rationalize that MY words just might help someone cope and know that they aren't alone. I accept that it may largely be a rationalization, but I do occasionally hear from readers who tell me that my latest blog said exactly what they were thinking. This in turn makes me feel less alone. In that way, it's a win-win. I gain understanding and so do my readers. I'll never call my blog a 'public service' (ok, maybe there was that one time), but I t...

I need a new IT Girl. It's been a minute. The last one faded awhile ago and I never replaced her. I've crushed on a few and liked a few others recently, but not to the IT Girl extreme. Suffice it to say - not everyone can be an IT Girl. What is an IT Girl? Hell if I know. All I know is that I know when I know. That may sound weak and evasive, but it's all I've got. She is. Is what? Everything. Perfectly imperfect. Unique. And with an energy that speaks to mine. She just is. She's probably fitter than not and spiritual. She's either shorter than me or just slightly taller. She might be blond, but then again she might not be. She's funny, smart, and independent. Or she may be none of that. There's just no telling. The fact is there are no facts. I'll know her when I see her. I knew the last one immediately. That one was a lesbian, but she didn't need to be. Most of the others have been straight. Straight means that they go from IT Girl to Rod...

The world is a confusing place. Actually, if I'm honest, it's just the people who are confusing. Nature has a certain amount of order and predictability, but people? They are an eternal mystery. Psychological theory posits the opposite. People, like nature, are ordered and predictable. Maybe in a lab or while answer questions on a Likert scale, but in the real world they are the opposite - chaotic and unpredictable. In other words, people are a confusing and mysterious mess. I try to understand. I look at psychological theories and analyze behavior. I contemplate the logical and the illogical. I create story after story and reason after reason. Above all, I try to see the best in everyone even when they do things that defy explanation. While some choose to call them 'assholes', 'users', 'bitches', 'dumbasses' or any other equally negative name, I do the contrary. I make excuse after excuse. My speech is peppered with 'but.. but... but......

It's 1300 miles from Austin, Texas to Grand Haven, Michigan. I looked it up last night. It was important for me to know. I need to visit. I need to go home. Partly because I'm a little homesick and I haven't been there in almost four years and mostly because I feel like a terrible friend. I estimated the distance in my head. I've driven from Austin to Texarkana many times and from Texarkana to Grand Haven many times. I figured it would take about 20 hours and as such the 1300 miles probably shouldn't have shocked me. The conclusion? I can't road trip it. Not in my 2005 Xterra at any rate. She's an old girl and I fear such a push might throw her over the edge. In her day, I'd have done it but I can't run the risk of losing her. This means, if I'm to cover the distance, I'll have to fly. With the price of gas as it is, it's really not much more expensive than driving. And I don't have to 'waste' two full days in my car. I co...

I'm running from a Masterpiece right now. Well, it could eventually be a masterpiece. I should be working on it right now - writing those words instead of these, but I'm not in the mood to be philosophical or important. I'm in a frivolous, blah mood and on the border of stressed and pissy. In my experience, all that doesn't mix well with philosophical/spiritual/theological significance. This is about all I can muster this morning. I started the other last night, but quickly found myself tired and distracted. Tired and distracted don't mix well with philosophical/spiritual/theological significance either. I'm telling you, when I finally get around to writing it, a paradigm will shift. Everything in it's own time, I suppose. In the interim, I'm going to let it burn and see where that takes me. At some point, the mood (and inspiration) will strike and The Words will come. I've learned not to worry about my occasional lack of motivation. It always seem...

For all my strength I am not. For all my calm I am not. For all I am I am not. For all my faith I am. For all my trust I am. For all my love I am.

'Your body's like a pill I shouldn't take...' ~ from 'Alone with You' by Jake Owen I know it's possible. As I told the story last night, I did the math. I hadn't thought about it in a long time. This year, this March, it will have been six years. Six years since I've seen her, touched her, or spoken to her. I can't say I think of her often because I don't. She was then; this is now. In her day (our day), she was (we were) electric. Her body was a pill I never should have taken, but once I did I had to take it again and again. And again. I had to. I couldn't not. I was addicted. Purely. Viscerally (funny I seldom use that word unless I'm referring to her). Magnetically. Perfectly. That last time, the time I spoke about last night, I tried to resist. I did. I promise I did. With everything I was and ever hoped to be. I didn't want to want her and honestly I never thought I would. At that point, we'd been broken up more th...

I'm strong, but my strength is not unlimited. I am human and, while not fragile, I do have a certain fragility. I will never break even though it may feel like I'm coming close. Thankfully, I know where I stand spiritually. For now, though, I must live in this world, a world I understand less and less the more I understand myself. My humanness makes for a series of painful realizations. And maybe that's the whole purpose. 'Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect...' ~ Romans 12-2

Tomorrow I will stop being lazy. Tomorrow I will eat better....or at the very least not as much. Tomorrow I will not vent to anyone about anything. Tomorrow I will pay bills. Tomorrow I will start packing to move. Tomorrow I will drink a mango margarita. Tomorrow I will not have a headache. Tomorrow I will not have bed head. Tomorrow I will write and work on my next book. Tomorrow I will do laundry. Tomorrow I will start the day with an 'I love you'...or two. Tomorrow I will enjoy silence. Tomorrow I will be everything to the only person who matters. Me.

Logically it doesn't seem like the best decision, but I did ask God and this is the message I got. 'Enter' and 'Good things end so even better things can begin.'  I've requested a change and recently I talked about beating the status quo with a stick. I am/was tired of the same-old-same-old. Now days later I have an opportunity. It's not an ideal opportunity but for everything it isn't, it's there. It's what I want. Sort of and sort of not. This is why I have a battle on my hands. I don't think it's the best thing for me right now. Mostly financially. I've set my goals and I know what I need to do to reach them. I did not include an eighty mile a day commute on my list. If I accept this opportunity, I stand to burn everything I planned to save in gas. With gas hovering in the $3.30s, I might even lose money on the deal. Move closer? Had this come up a month ago, that would have been readily possible. However, I just signed a year le...