I Made Me A Fighter (aka the one that starts with Jesus)

Back when I was a Believer (as in a believer in God), I wanted to have my own church. It wasn't going to be typically Jesus-focused at least not in the "stock" Jesus traditional Christians are so fond of. Nope. There'd be none of the hocus-pocus literal Jesus, i.e. no water turning into wine, resurrections, or ever-lasting life b.s. Instead we would focus on Jesus, the kick-ass man who truly gave a f*** about the people around him. I'm about to digress, but I could never understand why the Son of God thing and all the supposedly prophetic mumbo-jumbo was so important. Taken at face value, Jesus, the man, was The Man. Because, look, he got it, like really got it. And he wasn't afraid to say it, walk it, live it. So, yeah, back in the day I truly thought Jesus was pretty much the original rock star. And I'll tell you, my lack of a belief in God has done little to diminish my respect for the man. In a nutshell, that's what my church was going to focus on. We'd have been wee bit non-traditional, but we were going to live it like Jesus. Period.  

And I was going to sermonize it. Which is what I'm about to do here. That's why I went with the long intro. Call it a sermon, a pontification (for the Catholics among us), or simply a lecture (for my fellow non-believers); it's what's coming your way. Oh, it doesn't have anything to do with Jesus or my long-lost church. At least at this point, I don't think it does. We shall see. I do tend to meander. 

~

While I was at the gym this morning, I had an epiphany. I was doing my usual high-intensity cardio workout - 45 minutes with my heart rate over 160bpm, lungs threatening to bleed out, and reading a somewhat mundanely trashy lesbian romance novel on my Kindle. I also had my iPod blasting in my ears. I have a 300+ song mix that includes a wide variety of genres, some slow, some fast, some in English, some not. Today as happens every so often, "Fighter" by Christina Aguilara came on. You know the lyrics....

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I want to say thank you
Cause it

'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter..."

In that moment, and remember I've heard this song and been motivated by this song for YEARS, it all became bullshit. All of it. Every single last word of it. I want to thank YOU for making me a fighter? F*** that. Seriously, f*** it, f*** it all. I made me a fighter. I. ME. Not YOU, not HER, not ANYONE. No one gets to take credit for that.......except me. 

I made me a fighter.

Why would we want to give anyone props for that? Thank you? F*** you. And it's not that I'm angry. I'm not. Truthfully, I never was. It was what it was. But what it became - who I became - has always lay firmly within me. 

I think the problem with the world  - well, the First World here in America -  is that so few people own it. It's always someone else's fault or doing or responsibility. We're coming up on my HUGE pet peeve time of year - All the social media posts about how such and such a year was horrid and please God, Jesus, someone (i.e. besides me) make next year better. 

That's where the rubber meets the road and here's where the lecture starts. I don't care what it is - your mood, your job, your car, your education level, your spouse, your dog, your inability to lose weight, your boss, your day, your f***ing year - we all have a choice. The most basic choice is between positivity and negativity. Having a good day or a bad day? It's all about focus. Yes, yes, yessssss, some days are going to be more challenging, even others are going to come really close to sucking, but......there is always a choice. Take some f***ing responsibility. If you're having a sh** day, month, year, that is firmly on you. It's about focus, isn't it? Plain and simple. What are you choosing to focus on? The good or the bad? 

Look, my life hasn't always been sunshine and roses. I've been on the Break Up Diet; I've been dumped three weeks after moving to a new city seventeen states away from home; I've been gaslit within an inch of my life; I've fractured my leg in the middle of a marathon I trained months for; I've been rejected, turned down for the job, made fun of, spit on, hazed, been told to switch chairs because someone wanted to sit next to the "pretty girl;" my mom and sister have cancer; all that and zillions of things I choose not to remember. 

That's not to say that I haven't been exceptionally lucky either. I had parents, teachers, coaches, bosses, friends, and virtual strangers who have believed in me, encouraged me, and helped me along the way. I don't mean to take anything away from them with my next statements. I owe them a debt of gratitude but I am not the person I am today because of them. I am the person I am today because of me. 

At some point, I learned to take ownership - responsibility - and I will tell you with the greatest assurance, I have gained more respect and self-respect from ownership than deflection. It may seem humble and self-deprecating to some and annoying and conceited to others, but at some point you've got to stand, raise your hand, and say, "This one's on me."  Always give credit where credit is due...but at the same time, always understand and accept your role. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. It doesn't matter.

I will tell you one of the most valuable life lessons I ever learned I learned while doing HR for the World's Largest Home Improvement Retailer. People would bitch and moan about what some ethereal "they" did - they screwed up my schedule, they screwed up my hours, they didn't approve my vacation time, they, they, they. 95% of the time I was the "they" in all of those scenarios. I grew to revel in being "they," to revel in accepting my responsibility (Moreover, the quickest way to shut down a bitcher is to give them something truly tangible to bitch about. I call that a win-win). 

At some point, we have to accept our role in all of life's bullshit - the cheating, the gaslighting, the spitting, the hazing, the you-name-it; realize much of it wasn't completely on us or about us; and then - most importantly - decide on our response to it all. We can either come through it stronger and more positive about our lives and the world or we can hate our lives, blame, blame, and blame some more.

So back to my lung crushing cardio workout this morning... How did I become someone who perseveres through adversity? Someone who gets better at it the harder it gets? Someone who fights? I did that. Me. I persevered. I stuck with it when I really, really wanted to quit. I fought for it. Yes, my parents instilled those values in me, but we all know people who were raised exactly like me who haven't accomplished a flip and it's everyone else's fault.  

Look, y'all, it's on us, all of it. We have to accept our roles in everything. Life is not inherently sour any more than it is inherently sweet. Our response, our actions, our attitudes are literally everything. I'm going to end by telling you a secret so lean in real close....  The aggravatingly positive people - those of us who seem like we roll ourselves in sugar and dip ourselves in sunshine - don't have it any easier than anyone else and some days we have to work really hard to well it up. The difference between us and everyone else? We never stop trying because we know beyond all doubt that the only way to be happy is to be happy. Good comes from good. Happiness comes from happiness. Positivity comes from positivity. Fake it until you make it? Maybe...but I promise the effort is always worth it.

~ 

Would Jesus tell us to be happy? Meh, I don't know if  happiness was even a thing two thousand years ago. I don't want to overstep and it's purely an assumption at best, but I'm certain he would tell us to be f***ing nice to each other, recognize each other's battles, and encourage those who are struggling. One way to truly see someone else's struggle? Realize and own your own. Kindness and positivity often follow. We need to do more than walk the talk. We need to live it. Like Jesus did.