Racing Through the Fog (aka The Blah-Meh-Ness)
I'm going to apologize ahead of time for what might be a questionably coherent blog post. I seldom write at home because of the inherent distraction. Like just now. I double-clicked on on Blogger then suddenly decided to sweep the floor. I'll probably start a load of laundry and feed my dog before all is said and done here. It's the nature of the beast. Why am I writing at home instead of at Lola Savannah Coffee Lounge, my usual writing haunt? My dog. Yes, really. The move is in full-swing; boxes are packed and stacked; all the living room furniture went to Goodwill this morning. Unlike her mommy, Dylan is forging on ahead sans medication. For the record, her brain chemistry isn't much better than mine. She is my Emotional Support Animal and I am her Emotional Support Human. We need each other right now so even though distractions abound, I'm working at my kitchen table this afternoon.
It's odd, this brain chemistry thing. The fog has descended and my affect is about as sharp as a spoon. I guess it's how I used to live back in the day. Blah to meh with little variation. No ups or downs, but no anxiety...and that's the important thing. Because, man, when I get whipped up and the thoughts spin and the rumination begins... Sally bar the door 'cuz there ain't no telling. Well, actually there is telling. I alluded to it in my last blog and I really, really don't want to re-visit it in any more detail now. Suffice it to say, blah to meh is exactly where I need to be at least for the foreseeable future.
I tell you, though, I don't like it. I'm used to being happy. I like being happy. Ok......Before anyone trots out the D-word (depression), let me clarify a few things. I am not depressed, sad, bereft, woebegone, or any other related adjective. But...I'm not happy either. I'm in a sort of netherworld devoid of emotion. Imagine a continuum from super sad to super happy. You may think I'm somewhere in the middle - neither happy or sad - and you'd be wrong. I'm not even on that continuum. Mine runs parallel to anything a normal, unmedicated brain might experience. Less foggy to more foggy. That's where I live these days. Fog doesn't leave room for sadness or happiness. Nor does it, as I stated above, leave room for anxiety.
I'm taking the win, even if somewhat (ok, all the way) begrudgingly. I'm sure I'll get used to the fog and one day I will realize that I can't caffeinate it away. Because apparently my medicated brain doesn't like coffee anymore, I've been drinking Monster energy drinks. Today, though, I went off script and tried a new one, a sugar-free punch-flavored Rockstar, called "Punched." The Millennium Falcon jumping to light speed goes slower than my brain. You'd think it would help lift the fog...but no. All it does is make me feel like I'm racing through the fog. And it surely doesn't budge me from my blah-meh frame of mind....which we can probably label a good thing. I could be racing through an anxiety attack instead.
All that said, there are bright spots. There are things (Mostly people....ok, one maybe two people) in my life that help me rise above the blah-meh-ness. It may be short-lived, but I find that I look forward to those moments, to those people. That's not to say everyone else in my life blends into the fog. It's simply that a few bring a little more light to my world.
I just want to speed this process up and get back to normal. Un-medicated normal. Un-foggy normal. Happy. I want to get back to feeling happy, truly happy, full-extent happy. I love my life....but this fog...however necessary...is not my preferred state of mind. As soon as I think I'm on solid ground, I'm weaning myself off the AEPs (Anti-Everything Pills...See why I call them that?) and tossing whatever's left in the trash. I'm used to experiencing my life, feeling my life....for the moment, though, it is what it is. Like it or like it, it's blah-meh for the duration.
It's odd, this brain chemistry thing. The fog has descended and my affect is about as sharp as a spoon. I guess it's how I used to live back in the day. Blah to meh with little variation. No ups or downs, but no anxiety...and that's the important thing. Because, man, when I get whipped up and the thoughts spin and the rumination begins... Sally bar the door 'cuz there ain't no telling. Well, actually there is telling. I alluded to it in my last blog and I really, really don't want to re-visit it in any more detail now. Suffice it to say, blah to meh is exactly where I need to be at least for the foreseeable future.
I tell you, though, I don't like it. I'm used to being happy. I like being happy. Ok......Before anyone trots out the D-word (depression), let me clarify a few things. I am not depressed, sad, bereft, woebegone, or any other related adjective. But...I'm not happy either. I'm in a sort of netherworld devoid of emotion. Imagine a continuum from super sad to super happy. You may think I'm somewhere in the middle - neither happy or sad - and you'd be wrong. I'm not even on that continuum. Mine runs parallel to anything a normal, unmedicated brain might experience. Less foggy to more foggy. That's where I live these days. Fog doesn't leave room for sadness or happiness. Nor does it, as I stated above, leave room for anxiety.
I'm taking the win, even if somewhat (ok, all the way) begrudgingly. I'm sure I'll get used to the fog and one day I will realize that I can't caffeinate it away. Because apparently my medicated brain doesn't like coffee anymore, I've been drinking Monster energy drinks. Today, though, I went off script and tried a new one, a sugar-free punch-flavored Rockstar, called "Punched." The Millennium Falcon jumping to light speed goes slower than my brain. You'd think it would help lift the fog...but no. All it does is make me feel like I'm racing through the fog. And it surely doesn't budge me from my blah-meh frame of mind....which we can probably label a good thing. I could be racing through an anxiety attack instead.
All that said, there are bright spots. There are things (Mostly people....ok, one maybe two people) in my life that help me rise above the blah-meh-ness. It may be short-lived, but I find that I look forward to those moments, to those people. That's not to say everyone else in my life blends into the fog. It's simply that a few bring a little more light to my world.
I just want to speed this process up and get back to normal. Un-medicated normal. Un-foggy normal. Happy. I want to get back to feeling happy, truly happy, full-extent happy. I love my life....but this fog...however necessary...is not my preferred state of mind. As soon as I think I'm on solid ground, I'm weaning myself off the AEPs (Anti-Everything Pills...See why I call them that?) and tossing whatever's left in the trash. I'm used to experiencing my life, feeling my life....for the moment, though, it is what it is. Like it or like it, it's blah-meh for the duration.
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