A Little Unsteady

"Hold onto me...cuz I'm a little unsteady..."

It's the first song that popped up on Pandora tonight. Kismet? Serendipity? I don't know. I had another opening line all picked out (and I'm sure I'll get to it in a bit), but sometimes...sometimes the Universe has other plans. Other ideas. Other directions. And often it's right. Absolutely, perfect right. Like tonight...today...all of it... I was unsteady. I am unsteady. For the first time nearly five years. Five years. This, of course, isn't a lying, narcissistic girlfriend or a bad break up of any kind. And for that I am thankful (Not that I couldn't use a nifty stint on the Break Up Diet). In many ways, it's something worse. Much, much worse. I'm being pulled in two directions, veritably (though not literally...physically speaking anyway) torn in two.

It's not news that I'm moving to Las Vegas next month. In fact, I leave one month from today with the first load of my life. What might be news is that my mother has cancer. She's had it for quite awhile - since 2012 in fact - but it only just got worse...two weeks after I announced I was moving to LV. Now I have an elderly father whose health, at 91, is reasonably tenuous, and a mother whose health is shit. I'm going to Las Vegas. I have an apartment and a job lined up. I've made friends with it and I'm ok. I can see the good, even though it means leaving my life behind. Yes, it's true. I never fell for Austin like I thought I would. From the jump, our relationship was love/hate, but as I approach the end of our time together......... I'm a little unsteady. I won't miss her. I won't miss Austin. I'll miss the network - my network - that lives within her city limits.

I know it's all just a text away. Every single person I have ever met in Austin is just a couple button taps and a 'send' away. And, let's be honest. I'm an introvert. How much do I ever really rely on people? Don't I prefer to be alone? Don't I prefer a solitary conversation-free existence? Isn't that why I travel half a world away alone...to be alone? You're right. Absolutely. I don't like people. I prefer myself to any company (Well......with a few momentary exceptions). There is nothing more true about me than that and if that's the absolute truth then why I am struggling?

Part of it is that I don't know which way to go. Mom. Dad. I love them both. I wish I could be in both places at once, but sadly that's impossible. I have to choose, at least for now, move, and settle in for a reasonably decent period of time. Like I said above, I'm going to Las Vegas.

The larger part - the most devastating part - is that all the while I was retreating, I was creating a strong support network. They are - my friends and co-workers - key to my sanity. They are what keeps me steady. I'm trying to think of a way to put this.......... Ok, I'm safe to retreat, safe to be me, safe to be alone because of them. Because I know they are there. They tolerate my absences. They get me. They think I'm a freak of nature. I do things they'd never dream of doing. They think I'm strong.

And up until a couple days ago, I was. I was the strongest person I knew. I admired me. I knew it would be a challenge - this free solo. I knew I'd struggle a little, but I'd have me and ultimately that's all I needed, wasn't it? I could do this. I could move away from every connection I've built in the past decade and do more than survive. I'd thrive.

Then reality hit somewhere in the hours before midnight last night. Oddly timed. I'd been asleep and then I was awake. Woke, as they say in the vernacular. Suddenly, everything I was going to be up against in the coming weeks was up against me. And I found myself a little unsteady. Daylight did little to improve my mood or my steadiness. Without question, today was the most stressful day I have had in over five years.

So, what did I do? I reached out to my network. Last night I chose a friend who (1) would still be awake (She's a couple time zones away at the moment), and (2) is so new to my network that she doesn't have preconceived notions about my strength or lack thereof. Today, as close as I've ever been to a panic attack, I chose a friend who may understand me more completely that anyone in my life. I wasn't afraid to bear my weakness to either and they steadied me. For the moment.

I'm in a holding pattern at best. Tonight - as uncharacteristic as it may seem - I'm drinking. And writing. Combine that with a couple slices of 7-11 pizza and the day I had and it's no wonder I've been crying. Next to no dinner, alcohol (I rarely drink), and fully charged lap top. There was seriously no telling....and probably still isn't.

I'm trying very hard to keep it together. To like it or like it. To make friends with it. Be strong. Be steady. But f***. This is hard. Sometimes I wish someone would just hold on onto me and refuse to let go.

Because I'm a little unsteady.

And I don't know. I don't. What if I can't do this? Everyone will say I can. Everyone. Literally everyone. In the end, I suppose they will be right. In the meantime, though - in the murky, ugly, dark, unsettled time though - I'm scared. And stressed. And worried. And I feel so not strong.