Hamster on a Wheel
I can't tell if I feel like dog shit this morning because I finally slept off a little of my recent sleep deprivation or because for the first time in eighteen months, I'm back on my Anti-Everything Pills (called 'AEPs' from here forward). Of course it could also be a lack of caffeine. Luckily my head hurts too bad to worry too much about it. Moving forward, I'm going to say that it's a mix of all three.
This week sucked on many levels. I'll only bore you with a few of those. The rest will remain my private battle because I don't believe this blog is the right place to air workplace grievances. Suffice it to say, actions this week at work did nothing to assuage the general suckiness that surrounded my week. If anything, they made it worse, far, far worse. I'm left with what I'm left with in that arena and the words 'It's whatever' ringing in my ears. Recovering from that part of my week will take more than a decent night's sleep and 800mg of ibuprofen.
So back to right now. I feel like dog shit. I'm drinking a really good cup of flavored decaf coffee because it's all the coffee we had in the house. And, no, I didn't feel up to going the convenience store for something different. I'll suffer through until I can get a Diet Coke or something later on. Hell, I managed to stay up for 65 hours with only a minimal amount of caffeine. I can do this.
That's part of the shitty week. I had to work two overnight shifts in a row and didn't get much sleep. In fact, I woke up at 7:30am Wednesday and didn't go to bed officially until 11:00pm last night. I took a two hour nap on Thursday and a three hour on on Friday. That's it. Five hours sleep in three days. The eight or nine hours I got last night was apparently just enough to piss off my body. Right now, my head is pounding and the rest of my body feels half asleep. I should go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day? Ok, sure. Where would that leave me tonight? I'll tell you where - unable to sleep and up all night. I have to be back to 'normal' by tomorrow, Monday latest. Sleeping for an entire day and being up all night (again) would move me in the wrong direction.
Writing is probably the wrong activity this morning. I should have gone for a run as planned. At the very least, I should be moving and shaking off my sleepiness. And I probably would except for my pounding head. I can't tell if it's a sleep hangover - I get those sometimes when I sleep too much - or my body reacting to the AEP I took this morning. I know what I might be in for. Last time it took a good month before the 'brain boil' headaches (my head truly felt like it was on a rolling boil), stomach aches, and overall icky feeling went away and left me anti-everything.
I started taking AEPs three years ago to help with anxiety and depression. I stopped taking them eighteen months ago. Eighteen months on and eighteen months off. Quite symmetrical, as I think about it. I'm not as bad off as I was all those years ago. I was bad then. Bad, bad. Awful really. This time I'm attempting to be proactive. I feel it coming. My serotonin levels are dipping and I can feel myself changing. At first, I thought it was my busy life - work, grad school, tennis, running, goals and more goals. But then I realized that I'd been out of school for two weeks and I wasn't getting any better. I was still tired and out of sorts. I was joyless, even on a tennis court. The idea of being social never entered my mind because my subconscious dealt with it before I could consciously think about it. I didn't want to leave the house and starting clinging to more and more to my routines. I ate the same things and watched the same TV shows over and over. I was like a hamster on a wheel.
Three years ago I got the diagnosis I'd been waiting a lifetime to get. It's not bad, not bad at all. I'm not manic or schizophrenic or anything big at all. I'm a highly sensitive introvert who is prone to depression and anxiety when my serotonin levels fall below an optimum level. What I've learned is that when I sense danger (ie. my serotonin levels drop), I fall back on my introverted highly sensitive instincts - I retreat and circle the wagons. I protect myself by going inside. Even when I'm at my best, I prefer to be alone. Even when I'm at my best, I need the illusion of control over my environment. This often means that I develop what some might say seems like an OCD or even autistic dependence upon routine. In a nutshell, I don't deal well with change, unless I can rationalize that the change was my idea or if I'm in a 'safe' place or with a 'safe' person.
Remember I said 'even when I'm at my best'. Now add dipping serotonin levels into the mix. I circle the wagons that much tighter and cling to the safest places and the safest people. I become obsessed with control and routine. Leaving the house or going to work means relinquishing some of that control. When I get to this point (I call it 'agoraphobia'), if I can acknowledge that I'm at this point, I know it's time to make a change. When I decided to skip work on Tuesday because I 'just couldn't do it', I knew. I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes. It was time. As much as I hate the AEPs and hate taking a drug every day, my chemistry demands it. I made an appointment with my doctor, who re-upped my prescription, and I took my first 25mg dose this morning.
I'm hoping I'll be off the hamster wheel soon. As much as I crave and enjoy the insulation of my routines, it's no way to live. The AEPs will help. Eventually. In the meantime, I'm going to feel a little like dog shit, even with the right amount of sleep and caffeine. It sucks, but the alternative sucks worse.
This week sucked on many levels. I'll only bore you with a few of those. The rest will remain my private battle because I don't believe this blog is the right place to air workplace grievances. Suffice it to say, actions this week at work did nothing to assuage the general suckiness that surrounded my week. If anything, they made it worse, far, far worse. I'm left with what I'm left with in that arena and the words 'It's whatever' ringing in my ears. Recovering from that part of my week will take more than a decent night's sleep and 800mg of ibuprofen.
So back to right now. I feel like dog shit. I'm drinking a really good cup of flavored decaf coffee because it's all the coffee we had in the house. And, no, I didn't feel up to going the convenience store for something different. I'll suffer through until I can get a Diet Coke or something later on. Hell, I managed to stay up for 65 hours with only a minimal amount of caffeine. I can do this.
That's part of the shitty week. I had to work two overnight shifts in a row and didn't get much sleep. In fact, I woke up at 7:30am Wednesday and didn't go to bed officially until 11:00pm last night. I took a two hour nap on Thursday and a three hour on on Friday. That's it. Five hours sleep in three days. The eight or nine hours I got last night was apparently just enough to piss off my body. Right now, my head is pounding and the rest of my body feels half asleep. I should go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day? Ok, sure. Where would that leave me tonight? I'll tell you where - unable to sleep and up all night. I have to be back to 'normal' by tomorrow, Monday latest. Sleeping for an entire day and being up all night (again) would move me in the wrong direction.
Writing is probably the wrong activity this morning. I should have gone for a run as planned. At the very least, I should be moving and shaking off my sleepiness. And I probably would except for my pounding head. I can't tell if it's a sleep hangover - I get those sometimes when I sleep too much - or my body reacting to the AEP I took this morning. I know what I might be in for. Last time it took a good month before the 'brain boil' headaches (my head truly felt like it was on a rolling boil), stomach aches, and overall icky feeling went away and left me anti-everything.
I started taking AEPs three years ago to help with anxiety and depression. I stopped taking them eighteen months ago. Eighteen months on and eighteen months off. Quite symmetrical, as I think about it. I'm not as bad off as I was all those years ago. I was bad then. Bad, bad. Awful really. This time I'm attempting to be proactive. I feel it coming. My serotonin levels are dipping and I can feel myself changing. At first, I thought it was my busy life - work, grad school, tennis, running, goals and more goals. But then I realized that I'd been out of school for two weeks and I wasn't getting any better. I was still tired and out of sorts. I was joyless, even on a tennis court. The idea of being social never entered my mind because my subconscious dealt with it before I could consciously think about it. I didn't want to leave the house and starting clinging to more and more to my routines. I ate the same things and watched the same TV shows over and over. I was like a hamster on a wheel.
Three years ago I got the diagnosis I'd been waiting a lifetime to get. It's not bad, not bad at all. I'm not manic or schizophrenic or anything big at all. I'm a highly sensitive introvert who is prone to depression and anxiety when my serotonin levels fall below an optimum level. What I've learned is that when I sense danger (ie. my serotonin levels drop), I fall back on my introverted highly sensitive instincts - I retreat and circle the wagons. I protect myself by going inside. Even when I'm at my best, I prefer to be alone. Even when I'm at my best, I need the illusion of control over my environment. This often means that I develop what some might say seems like an OCD or even autistic dependence upon routine. In a nutshell, I don't deal well with change, unless I can rationalize that the change was my idea or if I'm in a 'safe' place or with a 'safe' person.
Remember I said 'even when I'm at my best'. Now add dipping serotonin levels into the mix. I circle the wagons that much tighter and cling to the safest places and the safest people. I become obsessed with control and routine. Leaving the house or going to work means relinquishing some of that control. When I get to this point (I call it 'agoraphobia'), if I can acknowledge that I'm at this point, I know it's time to make a change. When I decided to skip work on Tuesday because I 'just couldn't do it', I knew. I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes. It was time. As much as I hate the AEPs and hate taking a drug every day, my chemistry demands it. I made an appointment with my doctor, who re-upped my prescription, and I took my first 25mg dose this morning.
I'm hoping I'll be off the hamster wheel soon. As much as I crave and enjoy the insulation of my routines, it's no way to live. The AEPs will help. Eventually. In the meantime, I'm going to feel a little like dog shit, even with the right amount of sleep and caffeine. It sucks, but the alternative sucks worse.
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