More Better

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I sit here amid. Amid a lot of things. The start of a Saturday that will assuredly lead to Sunday. Amid friends and the smell of coffee. Amid an overcast day that promises to be warm enough. Amid the beginning of a new adventure or two. Of course, if I want to think positively, which I think maybe I do, every day is the beginning of a new adventure or two. Wow. Ugh... I don't like how that sounds. I truly want to be more jaded than that. But yeah... yeah... You just never know when the day starts, what the day will bring. For better or worse.

Lately, though, my days have been more better than worse. Maybe it's the new job or the new apartment (with a kick-ass pool and gym) or new friends. I guess you could say I'm coming along here in Austin. I'm drinking too much and writing too little, but I'm enjoying myself. Not kidding myself. I really don't think I'm faking it anymore. Because you know for a long time I lived the adage, "fake it 'til you make it", right? I begrudgingly got out of bed, forced a smile, and forged on through a day I would pretty much hate from start to finish. I'd laugh and pretend and laugh and pretend. I don't think I was at all believable. I'm sure unhappiness seeped out of my pores; I wasn't fooling anyone, much less myself.

Then one day I found something to look forward to. I wanted to get out of bed. I wanted to go to work. I wanted to see what the day brought. Because it just might bring a little of her. Finally after months of feigning happiness, I felt a little honest to goodness happiness. At first it bubbled just beneath the surface. It was there; I could feel it. And then it grew and grew until my smiles were no longer faked and my laugh was no longer pretend. I had reason. Reason to be. Reason to stay.

So yes, I'm more better these days. Happiness is a tough one for me in the best of circumstances, so thankfully my circumstances are improving. I'm tired of being sad, lost, alone, and weak. I honestly want to be happy and now I have good reason. I probably did all along, but I was too busy wallowing in everything I'd left behind to realize it. Each day does bring a new adventure or two and you just never know. That said, here I go. Amid happiness, a cool breeze, and the smell of coffee. Amid friends, opportunity, and a small headache. Today is the day I start moving and the day I get my computer back. Today is a day like no other. And hopefully more better than worse.

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