Love, Sanity, and Chaos

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I could be out drinking and watching The National Championship Game with friends, but instead I think I'll be going to bed early. There are times when I want to be surrounded by people and there are times when I most certainly do not want to be surrounded by people. Tonight is very much the later. I'm attempting to control the chaos in my world (and with it my anxiety level). Going out to a loud, busy bar would be far, far too chaotic for my tender psyche to handle. Tonight. Tomorrow it might be a whole different story. Or not.

Lately I've been retreating. I want to be around people, but only certain people. In certain places. At certain times. I'm becoming a bit of a loner and I can't say I'm mad at it. When I go out these days, I want a small group, one or maybe two friends. I want conversation. I want calm and, above all, I want sanity. It's pretty much Number One on my Wish List, sanity is. Above happiness, fitness, and health. I think maybe it's tied with love. Love is very important to me, too. Not mass love. One on one love Close love. I guess that sums me up - I want love and sanity. Preferably all rolled up in the same person. Hmm... As I think about it, all that would probably equal happiness. Interesting.

So for tonight, I'm ditching my friends (and chaos). They'll get over it, if they even realize I'm not there. Which they probably won't. I don't say that as a bad thing. I really don't care. They have bigger and better and more important things to focus on tonight besides where in the Hell I am. I'm perfectly content being where I am - home, writing for now, and going to bed early. I don't have love and sanity, but I do have a modicum of happiness and my anxiety level is pretty decent. That seems like a pretty good night to me.

If all goes according to plan, I'll have to see who wins the game in the morning. I'm sure it'll be all the talk tomorrow, whether Texas wins or loses. Here in a minute, I'm going to go upstairs, put on my pajamas, and curl up in bed. I'm sure it won't take long (even though it's barely 8pm) and I'll be switching off the TV in favor of sleep. Sure can't hurt. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I'll be better equipped to handle the chaos. Or maybe not.

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