Enough is Enough for Me

 "I might be undateable." 

~ Venus Williams

Loneliness is a curious thing, isn't it? I wouldn't call myself a lonely person - I do masterfully on my own the majority of the time. But then.... There are those - let's call them - situations when it bodyslams me. One moment I'm better than good and the next I'm up to my chin a veritable puddle of self-pity. Look, I have enough self-knowledge to understand that's it's all just mental gymnastics bullshit that has me wallowing. I am truly better alone. Loneliness simply comes with the territory. Thankfully only occasionally. And thanks to the power of the mind - my mind - and the breathing exercises I nearly perfected in therapy last summer and fall, it always passes. With a violent eyeroll and loudly whispered "Jesus Christ, Stacee..." Because f*** I actually love my solitary life. I guess I need the occasional test of my 'sobriety' (Used in the figurative sense, of course, though these days I'm definitely a one and done drinker). 

It's all a rationalization? I can't be happy being alone? No one truly is, Stacee? I swear we have discussed this numerous times in the years I have been boring y'all with this blog. Many readers will recall that I have ALWAYS resolutely denied that it's a rationalization, but for my newer and perhaps less initiated readers, I will say it One. More. Time. It is absolutely possible to live a happy and full life alone. Ok, granted, I may die alone but when you've live most of your life alone, is this really so bad? 

I'll let you know.

~~~

When I read Venus' words several days ago, I laughed ruefully. Oh, Girrrlll, me, too. Me, too! I felt a momentary wave of sadness (that if I'm honest, has reoccurred occasionally this week...probably leading to this blog). God, what future is there for the undateable? At first blush, it seemed pretty bleak. If I'm undateable, no one will ever date me (Obvi, right?) which means I'll never hear the words "I love you" said romantically ever again. I'll never be in love, never have a partner to face the world with, and forever live on a single income. Well, f***. 

Then I reminded myself that being in a relationship (and supposedly in love) doesn't necessarily mean an end to loneliness. You are perhaps not alone, per se - another person is present in your life - but what does that companionship and togetherness really guarantee? 

Granted, I have spent little time in extended romantically loving relationships (I have been with cars and dogs far longer than any human being), but, as I think about it, maybe that gives me better perspective. As for me, I have never felt more alone and lonely than when in a (presumably) committed relationship. In fact, I spent the last several months of my last relationship lonelier than I had ever been. The physical distance between us was well documented (We lived more than 2000 miles apart) but I have seldom spoken about the emotional and spiritual chasm that grew between us. I was in love and believed she was my future, that I would never be alone again. Unbeknownst to me, we weren't quite on the same page. Look, I'm not going to drag her through the mud - never have and I never will. We both did the best we could. I truly believe that. When I'd finally had enough and cut the emotional and spiritual ties I had been clinging to (By then, the physical distance was cut to less than 100 miles), I felt a weight lift. 

I was free again. 

I immediately got back on dating sites, thinking I needed to date, needed to find someone to be with, needed to insure that I wouldn't die alone. Let me tell you - If the fear of dying alone is the prime motivator to get out on the dating scene, your motives are skewed. Fortunately, I got little to no attention from anyone. In online dating speak, no one swiped right. With only a virtual window to peek through, all available prospects knew something about me that I have only just reinstalled in my soul - I am undateable. 

So now after a yearlong foray into the committed relationship realm, I'm back to being exactly who I have been most of my dating-age life. I am alone and seldom lonely. Seeing togetherness gets to me sometimes. Like sitting here at the bar of this coffee shop and watching all the couples and families lining up. I give pause....but then I realize (rationalize?) that not all of them are happy and I wonder how many are with who they are with because they fear being alone or can't be alone? How many of them don't even know alone an option? 

As for me, it seems the only option. Due to my history, I know with every certainty that I don't need anyone outside myself to validate me or make me feel worthy. I carry all that safely within my own soul. In other words, I am enough for me...and that's all that matters.