Yesterday's Box

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There comes a time when you just have to tuck it away. Pull out a new box, throw it all in, and close the lid. Write "Yesterday" on the outside, if you want, but it's not required. Tape it closed, if you want, also not required. I've created a lot of these boxes in my day; fifty-two years worth, in fact. I'm getting better at it. Quicker. Practice makes perfect. Perhaps. Or maybe I just decided that I didn't want to be that person anymore. I no longer choose to hold onto sh** that doesn't serve me or deliver me, make me a better version of myself or move me forward. I've learned to box it all up real quick, long before it begins to fester and pollute my soul, long before its tentacles have breached every facet of my being, long before months and years disappear into the ether. 

I had to do another final accounting recently. Endings are seldom pretty, but they don't have to be awful. I catalogued the memories, our history - the good, the bad, and the challenging, assessed my role in the beginning, middle, and end, created some take-aways (the only things I will "take away" from our year together - see how I did that?), and placed the lid on top. I grabbed a Sharpee marker, tipped the box on its side for a better writing angle, and penned the word, "Yesterday" on the front. It just makes it more real for me. This is the past. The future awaits. 

How can I walk away so easily? Why am I not haunted by all that could have been and maybe should have been? In the past, I've allowed myself to become mired. I've wasted energy, spirit, and time. I've gone on the Break Up Diet. I've suffered, wished, hoped, and beseeched whatever gods may be. And what did it get me? A few pounds lighter? Absolutely valid, but that's about it. 

I can say that I did it different all the way around this time. I gave it my all, threw everything I had into it. Apologies for the running analogy... I ran the best race I could, left nothing on the table, as they say, and I still  finished last. Maybe my best wasn't good enough or maybe nothing would have been good enough. Regardless, it is what it is - we weren't destined to be. And that's ok. Some may say that I hung on too long, tried too hard. Perhaps...but when it finally became beyond untenable and I chose to walk, I walked away clean.

I have often (and probably aggravatingly so) said that to be the person you want to be, you have to be the person you want to be. I want to be someone who gives it her all, so I gave it my all. I want to be someone who does hard things, so I did hard things. I want to be someone who is resilient, so I turned my back on something that no longer served and faced forward. Little by little, I am becoming the person I want to be. 

  • I want to be more outgoing and less introverted....so I put myself out there.

  • I want to be someone who shows her vulnerability...so I'm speaking my mind and expressing my thoughts and feelings more openly and confidently.

  • I want to be someone who always knows her worth...so I remind myself. A lot. And listen to the people around me who know I AM WORTHY and never stop telling me. 

  • I want to be someone who doesn't let her past weigh her down., someone who packs up yesterday's box and moves confidently into the future...so I packed up the box and I'm enjoying the present and looking forward to the future. 

It kind of all whittles down to one final bullet point - 

  • I want to be someone who doesn't let fear hold her back...so I do things that scare me...a little. Baby steps. No jumping out of planes, swimming with sharks, touching snakes, or solo kayaking the Atlantic. 

 It isn't always easy this becoming...but I honestly don't know any other way to live. One day I will be fearless. Ok, maybe not FEARLESS. How about I just fear less? That seems do-able. 

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