Rings of Truth

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I took off yet another ring yesterday. This morning my hand - right ring finger because it wasn't 'that' kind of ring (I was hopeful that maybe one day it would be) - feels odd, different. I feel lonely and off, unsettled like something is missing. In truth, she left awhile ago. I just didn't know it. A little piece of information she didn't feel was important, I guess. Strange because once upon a time we communicated so well. Of course that ended awhile ago also. Call me loyal, sentimental, loving, too trusting, dedicated but from the day I said 'I love you' and slipped the ring on my finger, I was in. Wholly, completely, and willing to work through anything. I don't take love and rings and commitment lightly. For me what I say today, I intend to mean for a lifetime. So today - this morning - my empty ring finger is a reminder of commitments broken, love lost, expectations shattered. A very different horizon stretches out before me. It's one I'm not ready to face if I'm being honest.

And why not be honest? Authenticity, vulnerability, honesty. These should be the tenets of every relationship - love, work, friendship. And yet so many people struggle. It may not be easy to be genuine and real, but so many things worth doing rarely are. The truth hurts? Yes. It can be a bitch. But it always comes out eventually. I'd rather know than not, as painful and heart wrenching as that may be.

So yesterday morning about this time, I ended something. For me this is Day 2. For her? I'm not certain my goodbye even registered on her radar. She moved on awhile ago it would seem. Did I call her on this? Did I rage? Unleash a fire hose of accusations? I did not. What good would it have done? Provided a brief outlet for my heartache, for my hurt? Maybe but I would have been shouting at the wind. Nothing I could say would change her mind, make her see my side. Her defense would have been offense and I would have ended up being portrayed as the bad guy, the asshole. Instead I filled my heart with grace, love, and kindness (It wasn't hard because I love her) and hopped up on the high road. I bowed out softly and gently, my heart ripping in half but filled with love until the last possible moment.

Should she have made the break when she knew she was done? Absolutely. But authenticity, vulnerability, and honesty take courage. Breaking someone's heart takes courage. Yesterday, I welled up all that, said what needed to be said, and broke my own heart. Then I took off the ring, curled up with my dog and my teddy bear, and closed my eyes to the new normal that was rapidly approaching. This morning, I'm lonely and my hand feels weird...but if experience says anything, it's that I won't feel this way forever. I will assuredly endure and come out on the other side. I always have.

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