Changing "Me" (aka Too Meh to Muster)
I like it here. Quite a bit actually. It's fine. I tolerate the dry heat. I enjoy my new co-workers. I'm close to my dad and sister. My apartment is better than decent. I just.....and I know this next statement may result in a shit storm of....I don't know... Empathy? Sympathy? Well wishes? Give it times? Hang in theres? I don't desire any of it. I am simply going to state a fact. Or maybe it's an opinion. A feeling? Maybe that's closer to the mark. Regardless, it feels like a fact. At least to me...and let's be honest, in this case, I'm the only "me" that counts.
Ok, anywho....the thing is for as much as I like it here, I just....well...I just don't feel like me. I'll add "yet" because that tends to soften the blow...for others. I couldn't give a sh** about softening anything. It is what it is and right now in this very moment, I simply don't feel like me. Perhaps "me" is a geographical thing. I feel different when I travel; more like me, a better version of me, in fact. Maybe it's just that I don't feel like the "me" who lived in Austin and I'm just not used to the "me" that lives in Las Vegas. Perhaps it's all about establishing a new normal.
Because little of my life here feels normal.
Not that it's a bad thing. Remember I said that I like it here. And I do. Quite a bit actually. I think I said that above, also. Simply stated, things have changed for me.
1. I'm not the popular girl at work. Everyone doesn't know me and I don't know them. Yet. There's something to be said for that. I'm no longer in demand like I was. And that can be an incredibly peaceful thing.
2. When you move away, friends don't text as much. Fact or feeling...it doesn't matter. I've started a few conversations that never seem to go very far. We no longer share the same day-to-day frame of reference so conversations tend to be stilted at best. It's hard to get much beyond "How's the weather? and "How do you like Vegas?" or "What's new in Austin?" these days. Thankfully, there are a few notable exceptions to that rule....but soon those will more than likely run their course. Our realities will continue to diverge until we have little left in common to chat about. It behooves me to find some friends here in Las Vegas.
3. My energy is lacking. Some of that has to do with feeling out of shape (I went two weeks without working out before squeezing in four short - by comparison - workouts last week) and some of it has to do with an overall blah feeling. I'm medicated, but I was medicated in Austin. I'm sleeping, but it never seems like I sleep enough. Maybe the stress that invariably comes with moving is sapping me more than I think.
4. I'm a single dog parent now. After having roommates for the majority of the last decade, I'm now on my own. Well, Dyl and I are on our own. Which means I come home on my lunch breaks and immediately after work. I spend the majority of my off-time with her because I feel bad leaving her all alone. I am looking into doggie daycare and obedience training classes (to improve her manners in public), but for now she and our apartment are the center of my existence.
5. I don't have the wherewithal to write. I have ideas and things (other than this) to say, but I just can't seem to well up the attention span to focus for long enough. I've been working on a short/flash fiction piece in my head for days.............................and everyday I say I'm going to put it on paper......then I don't. I just don't. Even now. I could be writing that......and I'm clearly not. It's going to be a fun one, too. One of the ones that make readers ponder if it's really fiction (Spoiler alert: There is often a small sliver of truth in all fiction...) and that puts my suspected muses' panties in a twist. Sadly, I'm too meh to muster anything more than this.
Please don't mistake all this for unhappiness. Happy is a choice I make every single day without fail. I don't know how to describe it really. My edges are dull? That's a side-effect of the medication. And even though I was medicated in Austin, I had things/people to perk me up. I'm missing much of that. Plus I don't have any travel plans. Usually by this time of year, I'm getting ready for my fall trip and I've got my spring one booked. This means there isn't much on the horizon to look forward to.
It'll come? Duh. It will. I've done this all before and I have realistic expectations, meaning I know it won't be tomorrow or the next day or even next month. Right now I have to go about establishing and acclimating to a new normal. It's never very comfortable, especially for a routine-driven introvert like me. But.... I'll manage. I don't have any other choice. One day - sooner or later - I'll feel like "me" again. The "me" I've always been or the "me" I am in Las Vegas? Whichever. I'd honestly settle for either right about now.
Ok, anywho....the thing is for as much as I like it here, I just....well...I just don't feel like me. I'll add "yet" because that tends to soften the blow...for others. I couldn't give a sh** about softening anything. It is what it is and right now in this very moment, I simply don't feel like me. Perhaps "me" is a geographical thing. I feel different when I travel; more like me, a better version of me, in fact. Maybe it's just that I don't feel like the "me" who lived in Austin and I'm just not used to the "me" that lives in Las Vegas. Perhaps it's all about establishing a new normal.
Because little of my life here feels normal.
Not that it's a bad thing. Remember I said that I like it here. And I do. Quite a bit actually. I think I said that above, also. Simply stated, things have changed for me.
1. I'm not the popular girl at work. Everyone doesn't know me and I don't know them. Yet. There's something to be said for that. I'm no longer in demand like I was. And that can be an incredibly peaceful thing.
2. When you move away, friends don't text as much. Fact or feeling...it doesn't matter. I've started a few conversations that never seem to go very far. We no longer share the same day-to-day frame of reference so conversations tend to be stilted at best. It's hard to get much beyond "How's the weather? and "How do you like Vegas?" or "What's new in Austin?" these days. Thankfully, there are a few notable exceptions to that rule....but soon those will more than likely run their course. Our realities will continue to diverge until we have little left in common to chat about. It behooves me to find some friends here in Las Vegas.
3. My energy is lacking. Some of that has to do with feeling out of shape (I went two weeks without working out before squeezing in four short - by comparison - workouts last week) and some of it has to do with an overall blah feeling. I'm medicated, but I was medicated in Austin. I'm sleeping, but it never seems like I sleep enough. Maybe the stress that invariably comes with moving is sapping me more than I think.
4. I'm a single dog parent now. After having roommates for the majority of the last decade, I'm now on my own. Well, Dyl and I are on our own. Which means I come home on my lunch breaks and immediately after work. I spend the majority of my off-time with her because I feel bad leaving her all alone. I am looking into doggie daycare and obedience training classes (to improve her manners in public), but for now she and our apartment are the center of my existence.
5. I don't have the wherewithal to write. I have ideas and things (other than this) to say, but I just can't seem to well up the attention span to focus for long enough. I've been working on a short/flash fiction piece in my head for days.............................and everyday I say I'm going to put it on paper......then I don't. I just don't. Even now. I could be writing that......and I'm clearly not. It's going to be a fun one, too. One of the ones that make readers ponder if it's really fiction (Spoiler alert: There is often a small sliver of truth in all fiction...) and that puts my suspected muses' panties in a twist. Sadly, I'm too meh to muster anything more than this.
Please don't mistake all this for unhappiness. Happy is a choice I make every single day without fail. I don't know how to describe it really. My edges are dull? That's a side-effect of the medication. And even though I was medicated in Austin, I had things/people to perk me up. I'm missing much of that. Plus I don't have any travel plans. Usually by this time of year, I'm getting ready for my fall trip and I've got my spring one booked. This means there isn't much on the horizon to look forward to.
It'll come? Duh. It will. I've done this all before and I have realistic expectations, meaning I know it won't be tomorrow or the next day or even next month. Right now I have to go about establishing and acclimating to a new normal. It's never very comfortable, especially for a routine-driven introvert like me. But.... I'll manage. I don't have any other choice. One day - sooner or later - I'll feel like "me" again. The "me" I've always been or the "me" I am in Las Vegas? Whichever. I'd honestly settle for either right about now.
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