Definitions

"I love this powerful statement: 'Define yourself.' I rehearsed it a million times during the 2005 Chicago Marathon."  ~ D. Kastor

I can tell you the last time I ran long because it's also the last time I wrote anything longer than a social media post. I didn't take time off on purpose. Life just got busy. Days and afternoons off (of which there are honestly precious few) got sucked away by tennis matches, bouldering, grocery shopping, weight training, laundry, and a library book I needed to finish before its due date. See? Life.

I flew to Las Vegas a couple days ago for a long weekend to visit my father and planned a long run while there. The weather promised to be coolish and the humidity significantly lower than at home, plus (and probably most importantly) race day loomed and I hadn't put in any miles in far too long. And my last miles (the ones that inspired a blog about turning lemons into lemonade) positively sucked. At some point, I was going to have to stop procrastinating and face down my fear. 

What fear? Another sucky run. What if my best days were behind me? What if that last long run heralded a change? What if I could no longer endure? What if I'd become weak, malleable? What if pain had finally gotten the better of me? 

My next run would say everything about me as a runner, everything. If it sucked, if I quit early, if I failed, what would that mean? And how would I ever overcome it? The first half marathon of my season was less than a month away. I had four planned, with the potential of another, before spring gave way to the heat of the summer. I wanted to set a 40s PR. Another failed long run would put that goal in major jeopardy. 

Ok, so look. I realize that's all a bunch of psycho-bullshit. Catastrophizing at its best. I knew it was. And, really, It didn't paralyze me or anything; life still went on. However, try as I might, it was always in the back of my mind rattling around. Doubt.  Man, it sucks. And it's not who I want to be. At all. I knew that to be successful - Hell, to actually strap on my running shoes and attempt anything remotely long - I needed to re-discover my confidence. I also needed to do everything right. Better stated, I needed to do everything I hadn't done before my last long run. Fuel, hydration, rest, and mental preparation. 

Fuel - I ate a pork fajita burrito the size of my forearm for dinner last night plus enough chips, salsa, and bean dip to power me and six of my friends through a ten mile run. Check.

Hydration - The desert is a tricky place. You don't sweat. Well, not like back home in Central Texas. I constantly have to remind myself that I need to drink here. So I did. I probably so much that I owe my sister a case of  water. Check.

Rest - I took a typical "off day" yesterday. Meaning I didn't just lay on the couch and watch movies. Nope. I walked four miles and took a Body Pump class (high-rep cardio weight lifting) with my sister at her gym. I went super light on the squats, deadlifts, and lunges to preserve my legs for the long run and chose to focus my efforts on upper body (Sorry, shoulders, I'm sure you'll let me know tomorrow what an asshole I am). All in all, not quite an off day. Half-Check.

Mental prep - I decided to pack light this trip (i.e. no actual books) which seemed like a good idea until last night. I didn't have my mental prep go-to, my guru, my inspirational crutch (Please don't make me plug the book yet again). I considered buying the Kindle edition but didn't feel like bothering my sister for her WiFi password. I'd be ok, I told myself in a burst of confidence. I've read it enough. I know a lot by heart. If I dig deep enough, I'll come with something to focus on. I settled on my old stand-by "comfort zone", but by morning it just didn't feel right. So as I ate my breakfast, I Googled Deena Kastor quotes (Look, her words work for me - or at least they had for past runs - and I wasn't about to head out the door without her. If Googled quotes were as good as it was going to get, so be it).

"Sometimes the moments that challenge us the most, define us."

Granted I've had much more challenging moments in my life that a long run ten days after a sucky long run, but that quote really spoke to me. I had a chance this morning to define myself. Who was I going to be? Who am I? Not just as a runner, but as a woman, as a human being? Was I a quitter? Someone who let fear and pain get the best of them? I had twelve miles of choices, decisions that when I added them all up at the end would give me a definition. So over and over again, especially after I hit the hills in the final miles, I repeated the words - Define yourself  - and asked myself who I wanted to be? Who are you, Stacee? Who are you?

"Defining yourself doesn't happen in one moment, but it is the sum of many small choice you make along the way..."

It's an important question, I think, and one we seldom ask. Who am I? We fly by the seat of our pants then look in the mirror and say, "Yep, that's me." We don't give thought to our choices - daily, hourly, moment-by-moment choices - that lead us in one direction or another. We are - each and every one of us - the product of those choices. Oh, we think about the big stuff - jobs, family, major financial commitments - but we rarely if ever stop to consider the impact of the seeming minutia of our lives. But that small stuff defines us far more than any major life decision ever will. Our character, the very essence of our being - who we are emotionally, spiritually, and physically - resides within that definiton.

"I love when running gets tough because that's when I build character."

I promise you I wanted to quit a hundred times this morning. The first mile was tough. It always is for me. After I got warmed up, I put in a few reasonably quick miles and felt decent through five. The grind began in earnest when I hit the hills in the last half. My shoes are about dead (the soaking-wet-dry-again cycle of the summer has taken its toll) and my legs were crampy and tired. Not running in a few weeks, hilly terrain, and doing Body Pump on my "off day" placed me in a precarious, yet important position. I wanted to cash it in after 7.75 miles, then two miles later, then a mile after that. My mile times slowed precipitously. It was discouraging. I'd run a series of sub 8:15s before the hills and now I was barely staying under 9:00??? I tried to run faster but my legs just wouldn't. I hurt and, if I didn't focus on  holding my form, I was going to start listing. Not quite like Gabriela Andersen-Scheiss at the end of the 1984 Olympic Marathon, but that image did come to mind.

Quit, Stacee. Quit. Walk home. Stop the pain. 

THAT IS NOT WHO I AM.  

Then define yourself. 

• I don't quit.
• I endure.
• I finish.
• I am fearless.

That is who I am, who I want to be in all avenues of my life. I don't know if any of you out there will understand and I'm not sure I can explain it. I used to hate running. Mostly because I feared the pain and I doubted I'd be able to endure. Above all, I feared losing, failing. Now I embrace that precipice. I could fail. I could. I really could. And I run anyway. Because if I don't face my fears - if I choose not to face my fears - then who am I? If I don't test my ability to endure, risk the pain, then I'll never know. Each run is a challenge that gives me the chance to define myself.  

"The reward of running hasn't really been the medals or the accolades or the records. It has been those moments of seeing clearly you've created a stronger version of yourself."

I finished the run this morning. Twelve miles averaging just over 8:30/mile. Not my best run, but not my worst either. Regardless, I am a stronger version of myself this afternoon than I was this morning. Deciding to quit wouldn't have made me a bad person. Please understand that I understand that. It simply would have made me a someone I don't want to be - Someone who gives in when the going gets tough, challenging, or painful. I absolutely cannot be that person. The next time the rubber meets the road and I find myself in a shit storm of shit, I need to know that I am someone who endures, who doesn't quit. Believe me, little in my psyche is more important than that. 

*** All of the quotes above are from Deena Kastor (That cannot be shocking to anyone). To read them yourself, check out http://deenakastor.com/quotable/ ***