Day 1: Expecting Chaos

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I wrote this a couple weeks back, on a Friday evening, as I prepared for the second of three legs on my journey to Stockholm, Sweden. I love to travel and I love going new places. Sort of. There is always a moment of uncertainty, just a moment, before I realize that it's going to be ok, That I'm going to be ok. What lies below IS that moment...in writing.

~

The chaos is coming. It always does. I’ll get used to it. Sort of. As best I can. I simultaneously like it and hate it. It unsettles me, makes my stomach churn, my head throb, my heart beat quicken. But it’s only a test. A test that I can pass. A test that inevitably brings out the best in me and makes me stronger. Perhaps one day it will make me more confident. Better able to deal, less likely to worry. I have to acknowledge it, though. Where I am with it. I can feel it creeping in. Houston is still the US, yet its newness to me is off-putting. I try to call it just another airport – I’ve been to quite a few over the years – and they’re all set up more or less the same. Still… There is chaos. It’s oddly lit, people meander to and fro. I am alone. My plane waits at the gate. I am nervous. Not to fly, not for any reason in particular. It’s the newness. It’s hard to organize, categorize, deal with. It’s chaos. Not as much as I may face later, but right now sitting here, I’m mired in it. That changes with each passing moment. The light becomes more familiar, different yet the same people walk past. My plane still awaits. As I make the chaos part of me – less chaotic – I feel stronger, capable. I can do this. I am doing this. 

I've conquered the chaos.

Well, not quite yet. Let’s not be rash. I did find my gate and I did find a women’s restroom (which was harder than one might think possible in a huge airport). Little by little. Bit by bit. I keep thinking I want ice cream. Random. Though if the bar right in front of me – where you can order on iPads – has hard cider… They do. Order placed. I seldom drink when I fly. Ok, I never drink when I fly. But I need to sleep. Sleep tonight will help me handle the chaos tomorrow.

And there will be chaos tomorrow. Bags to keep track of, jackets to hold onto. Heathrow. A gate to find, a plane to catch. Then Stockholm. Scurrying people. Catching trains. I’ll need to be one of them. Then Google Maps. Directions to follow. A hotel to find. I’m up against it for the next good while.

Soon though – I’m there nine days – I’ll sort it all out. Find a routine. And a McDonald’s or maybe a Burger King. Eat a Big Mac or a Whopper. Feel better. I’ll breathe. Rediscover the city I fell in love with last Spring.

I did it before. In four separate Scandinavian cities. I survived; organized the chaos. I can and will do it again. It’s the unknown really at this point that’s the most troubling. Houston is already normalizing. The Angry Orchard helps; writing helps. Looking up and seeing my gate, feeling my bag next to my leg. Three devices connected to various charging ports. Many things may happen but I WILL BE charged and ready.

One step at a time. Settle into seat on plane. Find movie to watch. Relax. Nine hours until I really have to start worrying. So why worry now? Why stress about the unknown?

~ 

I made it to Stockholm. Found my hotel. Then immediately Google Mapped a McDonald's and set off to find it. I had a Chicken Big Mac (it's apparently a regular on the menu in Sweden) and  a strolled back through Sodermalm to my hotel WITHOUT using a map. In that moment I knew that I was ok. Better than, really. The chaos I'd so feared, I'd conquered. Just like that.

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