The Imitation Game

I'm an introvert.

For those who've met me, this is often hard to believe. I speak even before I'm spoken to. I use complete sentences. I don't run when I see people.  I have a high social IQ (and incidentally a high emotional IQ as well). I can speak to anyone and find something to talk about. I'm seldom at a loss for words. I have spectacular intuition and I'm good at reading people. I can be witty, sarcastic, and down-right fun to be around. Makes me an extrovert, right?

Wrong. 

I'm a textbook introvert.

• People drain me.
• I crave solitude.
• Too much distraction leaves me untethered mentally.
• I dislike being the center of attention.
• I prefer small groups over large ones (at a party, I'm usually the one petting the dog in a quiet corner)
• I have a small number of close friends.

See? I'm an introvert.  Here comes the shocker. 

I'm a fake. A pretender. An actor. I've gotten really good at the imitation game. I know what it takes to be a viable, social being in the twenty-first century and I can play the role as well as anyone. 

It's just that then, after awhile, I have to crawl in a hole and shut out all light, sound, and social interaction until I regain myself. Sometimes that means I disappear for hours or even days. It depends on how much life the social world has sucked out of me. The greater the suckage the longer the time I need to be away. 

Thanks to (a good friend and) my shrink who diagnosed me several years ago, I know exactly who I am and what I need in order to live a social life. Because it really is mandatory. 

• I'm always on time or early. I like to get settled into my surroundings and let the crowd billow around me. 
• I visit places, trace my route, before the actual event, especially if I'll be arriving alone. I'm always anxious in new situations and with new people, I never want to add insult to injury by getting lost. 
• I have an exit strategy. I drive myself whenever possible so I can slip out undetected if the event gets too overwhelming. My friends know I often leave without saying good bye (reference bullet point above about not being center of attention). 
• If at all possible, I have a 'safe person' with me. This person is my anchor, the one I look to if I get stressed. He or she is also there to take the pressure and attention off me. Extroverts and the occasional (non-pathological) narcissist tend to be ideal. A like minded introvert is often passable. 
• I feel free to say "No" and to back out at the last minute. I do this quite often (my close friends get this and never get angry).
• I build solitude into my life. I treat it like other people treat a prescription medication.

With recent changes at work - I'm on a physical restriction that has pushed me back to the day shift and high-intensity retail customer service - I'm honestly struggling. The clouds are rolling in (I think earlier today I said it was like a hurricane waiting off shore) and my anxiety is building. Anxiety and me...not good. When forced to fake it too much and/or too long, without respite, without an escape, without solitude...eventually comes a breaking point. I'm searching for balance, searching for a way to avoid the rabbit hole, searching for a way to rise. 

The problem is people just don't believe me. I've played the imitation game too long. I've fooled too many people. To them, I'm Stacee, the outgoing, talkative, buoyant, effervescent service professional who's never met a stranger. 

If only they knew the real me. If only they knew how much all that takes out of me, how close it pushes me to the edge... I tell them and they laugh, say I've got to be lying, joking. 

One day they will see. One day they will know. And it will be too late. The rabbit hole will have swallowed me up and the imitation game will be lost.