Tipping Points

This past weekend my girlfriend and I celebrated our one year anniversary. One year. Granted to most people this isn't a significant achievement. I have many friends who have been in multiple relationships that spanned five, ten, or even twenty years. For me, though, it's nearly uncharted territory. You see, I'm now in only the second longest relationship I've ever been in. Just one other relationship, my first ever with a woman, lasted longer - two years, one month, and one day. Third, fourth, and fifth places? Ten months and some change, ten months and a little less change, and eight months and a couple weeks. The rest (I may have dated thirteen or so other women) lasted on average two months.

I'm forty-six years old. There are sixteen year olds with better dating history.

I'm fond of saying that I'm just not cut out for dating and/or relationships. Truthfully, I give all the credit for my current success to my girlfriend. Sure, she may be forgetful and have difficulty arriving anywhere on time, but I'm an introverted asshole who would rather hang out with her phone than pay attention to someone sitting in the same room. Needless to say, I struggle with interaction and being present. I also have the not-so-great-when-you're-in-a-relationship distinction of really liking to be alone. I am my favorite person and I'm not shy about saying it. For these reasons, my best dating relationships generally have been long distance and/or with married women. No daily interaction required = perfect.

I've been living with my current girlfriend just about ten months. If you do the math, she's a saint.

My bad dating history can't all be me, can it? I know that's what you're wondering. And I'm pretty certain that you are right. I'd like to apologize ahead of time to the women I have dated who still read my blog and might actually see this post. I've dated a wide range of women. There are vast differences in age, race, education levels, career success, and marital status. Some were great - the timing was off, the geography was wrong, they should have stayed on the friends' shelf. Others, though... We'll just leave it at that.

For better or worse, I've learned a lot over the years. Dating such as I have done it has provided me with a modicum of insight and for that I am thankful. I have long used this blog to educate, so here goes. If you are out there in the dating world, I recommend heeding my advice. If too many of my bullet points remind you of yourself...? Sorry? I really don't know what to say.

Dating Tips 101 (FYI, these are listed RANDOMLY...in no particular order of importance)

• Chaos cannot do calm. Drama can't do drama free. She will find it, bring it, manufacture it, breed it, multiply it. She says she hates it, but it always seems to find her? Run. And don't look back.

• If she has to choose between you and someone else, you don't want her. Don't stick around and wait to see who made the cut. If you're anything like me, it won't be you.

• Age matters. It does. Period. 

• Cheaters cheat. If  she does it once and gets away with it, she will do it again. And again.

• It doesn't always pay to be skinny. Everyone has a preferred type...and it isn't always what you expect it to be.

• Intelligence is sexy, but it isn't everything.

• In a long distance relationship, give and take becomes even more important. If both parties aren't willing to travel, it's not going to work.

• Freaky isn't as freaky as she may make it out to be. She'll talk a good game, but what she really means is that she's willing to let you do whatever you want to her, but she doesn't plan on reciprocating even the basics. That's not to say I'm Jamocha Almond Fudge in a dipped waffle cone myself but, if she tells me she is, I'm going to expect more than a scoop of vanilla in a cup. Just saying. 

• If she breaks up with you on a monthly basis, she's using it as a weapon to get your attention. Oh, and somehow it'll always be your fault. I promise you'll get her attention when you walk away instead of grovelling to get her back.

• Money talks. If she likes nice things, she'll want you to buy her nice things. If you can't afford to buy her nice things, she'll find someone who can.

• Magnetism exists. Everyone needs to experience it at least once in life before settling for less.

• If she's married, she's going to stay married. If it's a Rodeo you're after (8 seconds of perfection), then you might be ok. If you have even one small illusion of anything more permanent, she'll break your heart.

• If she talks about wanting to be "normal", she will never stay in a lesbian relationship for long.

• A liar will lie and then lie some more to cover it up. And then imply that you are obsessive or jealous or crazy when you call her on it. Call her on it anyway. Then get the f*** out.

I truly believe that the best lesson I have learned this past year is the need for balance. I am so far from perfect. For me, the struggle has been balancing my need to be alone with my desire to be a good girlfriend. I quite often fall of the side of not-so-good-girlfriend but I am trying. Moral of the story - Never date an asshole introvert.

Luckily, my girlfriend didn't follow that one.