And Now I Am

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I spent some time tonight doing something I haven't done in ages - I read a few of my old blogs. Most were circa 2011. I was a good writer back them. Funny, spot-on with observations, and prolific. I wrote all the time. All. The. Time. In one two day period, I posted five blogs. Yeesh. It's been months since I posted five blogs total. Clearly, I'm not the writer I used to be.

I am incidentally not the person I used to be either. My writing was full of crushes and diatribes about being happily alone. Justification for my single state? Yeah, I'm not so sure of that. I did like being single. I also liked having the occasional crush I knew wouldn't go anywhere. In some ways, life was easy back them. I had few worries and little drama. It was me, myself, and I against the world. I was happy.

I was happy. Because I didn't know any better? Because I'd become accustomed to being alone? Because I didn't think there was anything else out there for me? Because I was two years from meeting her?

I know I'm different now. I'm older and I know things I didn't care to know back then. I like things I didn't even think to like. Who knew what fun it could be to share success with someone? Who knew how comforting it could be to share a rough time with someone? Who knew great it could be to be happy with someone? I did and I didn't. I assumed that stuff just wasn't for me. I was alone. I was happy. I was good.

And then I saw life a different way. Now I wonder if I can ever go back to the old way. And I worry that I'll have to. Who will I share success and rough times and happiness with if the status quo changes?

My most ardent wish, I guess, is that things just stay the same. Or at the very least, not get any lonelier. I never thought I'd be this person, never wanted to be this person. And now I am. And now I am.

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