Notes from the Red Bird House

I sit here amid. Amid a lot of things. The start of a Saturday that will assuredly lead to Sunday. Amid friends and the smell of coffee. Amid an overcast day that promises to be warm enough. Amid the beginning of a new adventure or two. Of course, if I want to think positively, which I think maybe I do, every day is the beginning of a new adventure or two. Wow. Ugh... I don't like how that sounds. I truly want to be more jaded than that. But yeah... yeah... You just never know when the day starts, what the day will bring. For better or worse. Lately, though, my days have been more better than worse. Maybe it's the new job or the new apartment (with a kick-ass pool and gym) or new friends. I guess you could say I'm coming along here in Austin. I'm drinking too much and writing too little, but I'm enjoying myself. Not kidding myself. I really don't think I'm faking it anymore. Because you know for a long time I lived the adage, "fake it 'til you make ...

I could be out drinking and watching The National Championship Game with friends, but instead I think I'll be going to bed early. There are times when I want to be surrounded by people and there are times when I most certainly do not want to be surrounded by people. Tonight is very much the later. I'm attempting to control the chaos in my world (and with it my anxiety level). Going out to a loud, busy bar would be far, far too chaotic for my tender psyche to handle. Tonight. Tomorrow it might be a whole different story. Or not. Lately I've been retreating. I want to be around people, but only certain people. In certain places. At certain times. I'm becoming a bit of a loner and I can't say I'm mad at it. When I go out these days, I want a small group, one or maybe two friends. I want conversation. I want calm and, above all, I want sanity. It's pretty much Number One on my Wish List, sanity is. Above happiness, fitness, and health. I think maybe it's tie...

I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to find happy. I'm kidding myself mostly on that one. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm not. I know unhappy and this isn't that. This is different. I'm not sure what you call it. Loneliness? Emotional limbo? I'm here but want to be there, there but I want to be here. Then again, I'd like to be nowhere at all, but somewhere all at the same time. It makes no sense. Numb? Am I numb? No. I wish. Well, I kinda. I want to feel. But I want to feel good and I'm not quite there. Okay? Am I okay? Barely, if at all. That's honesty. I'm holding it together with spit and scotch tape. Truth is, I know exactly where I'd like to be and what would make happy a whole lot easier. Needless to say, that's not where I am. I'm drinking surrounded by many yet alone (just ordered another one in fact) and I'm lonely. Horribly lonely and I'm trying very hard to find enough faith to find eno...

Twelve hours in and I'm sad. The light of day has done nothing but bring reality and the realization that we are truly done. Last night I could pretend, kid myself. But not today. I am sober and the sun is out. Makes denial impossible and disappointment nearly overwhelming. After nearly two months of hoping, wishing, and dreaming, I have to stop. I have to change my way of thinking. I have to let her go and go on with life. My life. Without her. She seems good, like a weight has been lifted. And I guess it has. The light of day has brought a new reality and a new realization for her. She did it. She finally told me. Where she was once worried about what to do and what to say, it's done. She can happily change her way of thinking. She can let me go, like she has wanted to do for awhile, and go on with life. Her life. Without me. Truth be told, I'm tired of making the transition, tired of forcing myself to go from more to less, tired of adjusting, tired of disappointment, tir...