Or I'm Manic

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"Falling feels like flying 'til you hit the ground..."

~ from a cool country song by Chris Stapleton



I'm eighteen days away from my forty-eighth birthday and I have to say I don't recall ever approaching a birthday or the start of a year as positively as I am this one. I truly feel like the best part of my life is yet to come, my best stories as yet unwritten.  I guess I'm just in a good place, though I have no idea how I ended up here. I have goals, plans, dreams, a mission. A novel nearing publication. The creation of  "brand". More graduate school. Plans for a new life's work that doesn't require wearing an orange apron. A job I can tolerate in the meantime. Fast runs. A solid backhand and confident volleys. A vacation decades in the making. 

It's not always easy, though some may think I make it look pretty easy. I go non-stop all day, every day because you don't get something from nothing. And I'm kind of afraid that if I stop, I'll take a breath, lose my focus, and binge watch five seasons of "Homeland" in one sitting. So, even though I crave a little downtime (I figure I'll rest on the flight from Houston to Amsterdam later this month. In truth, I'm sure I'll spend the time reading something far from superfluous), I keep on keeping on. 

Nearly three years after the worst period in my life, I find myself standing on very different kind of precipice. Then I was hopeless. Now I am beyond hopeful. Then I didn't want to see another day. Now I can't wait to see what my future holds. Then I was fearful. Now I am fearless (Ok, as close as I've ever been to it anyway). Then I'd sunk as far as it's possible to sink. Now I'm on the rise and believe that the sky is truly the limit.

I feel like I should thank my non-pharmaceutically-induced sanity for my fortuitous good fortune, but I'm not sure which came first. Am I positive because I'm sane or am I sane because I'm positive? I think my old shrink would say, "Exactly!" because invariably one leads to the other. Stay positive. Stay sane. Stay sane. Stay positive. 

And stay ever vigilant. I can't let down or lose control. I have to keep the right things and people around me and avoid things and people who tend to drag me down (read: peas, cooked carrots, narcissists and negative assholes). It may sound extreme, but, trust me, I can't risk another low. Besides life is pretty damn good right now. Why would I let anyone or anything ruin that, including me and my occasionally screwed up brain?

I'm on the cusp and having the time of my life. I see the fruits of my hard work, dedication, and sacrifice everywhere I look. Which just makes me all the more motivated. I've got books to write (and promote), things to learn (and degrees to pursue), places to see (and passport stamps to get), things to experience (but not gelatinous fish), races to run (and maybe win), tennis matches to play (and winners to hit), and so much more I haven't even discovered yet. 

I know I coasted for a lot of years, settled for so-so, had a lot fun, and nearly went bottoms up a couple times. I'm making up for lost time now, though I really hesitate to call those years "lost". I was on my way to here. I just didn't know it yet. So, at an age when I could be packing it in, I feel like I'm just getting started.

Or I'm manic.

Not really. Just kidding. 

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