Notes from the Red Bird House

The problem is that I don't want my old life back. I want my girlfriend and my most recent life back. I know that may sound shocking given that my old life was good, damn good in fact. I could do what I wanted without ever checking in with anyone else. I only had one work schedule to worry about. My DVR wasn't full of 'Housewives'. I traveled. I watched a lot of tennis. I dreamed my own dreams. I planned my own life. I thought exclusively about me. See? Damn good life. So what's the problem? Why don't I just sidle back over to my old life and hit 'resume'? Yeah well... A strange thing happened. I found a better life. For five months and five days, I had a great life, a damn great life. By my math great beats good every time. Great was great. I have to say. Love, beauty, laughter, togetherness beat all. When they are with the right person, and they were. Time was short but it was perfect, as perfect as I can imagine it being. I loved it, her, and us ...

'Wake me up when it's all over.' When my tears have dried and my soul has found it's way. Right now though I'm not sleeping. Going on two days. I wish I could. I wish I could close my eyes to this nightmare and fall asleep. I wish many things. Above all, I wish I'd been right - that we loved each other enough to love each other through anything; that we were different; that we would survive; that we would do the work; that we would never break up. As jaded as I've been, that's as honest as it can be. I truly believed. Sounds pretty stupid and sunshiny optimistic, doesn't it? I believed in love - our love. Hers. Mine. Ours. And it was beautiful. We were beautiful. She more than me, but yes...beautiful. Now I long for darkness. Escape. Home. Sleep. Not just any sleep. Sleep with my hand touching hers. Sleep knowing that when I wake, she'll be there next to me. It, she, us, though, are no more.