Good Isn't Great

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The problem is that I don't want my old life back. I want my girlfriend and my most recent life back. I know that may sound shocking given that my old life was good, damn good in fact. I could do what I wanted without ever checking in with anyone else. I only had one work schedule to worry about. My DVR wasn't full of 'Housewives'. I traveled. I watched a lot of tennis. I dreamed my own dreams. I planned my own life. I thought exclusively about me.

See? Damn good life. So what's the problem? Why don't I just sidle back over to my old life and hit 'resume'? Yeah well... A strange thing happened. I found a better life. For five months and five days, I had a great life, a damn great life. By my math great beats good every time.

Great was great. I have to say. Love, beauty, laughter, togetherness beat all. When they are with the right person, and they were. Time was short but it was perfect, as perfect as I can imagine it being. I loved it, her, and us but above all else, I loved me.

And now that I'm staring down my old life, I find it lacking. Thinking exclusively about me? Boring. Not having to check in with anyone? Lonely. Traveling? Better with someone. Dreaming my own dreams? Planning my own life? Would rather share. Jammed up DVR? Plenty of space. Watching tennis? Really not something to base quality of life on. I liked me before. Liked. I was good and decent yet selfish and goal directed, a loner happy being alone.

See how when held up in stark comparison, good isn't great and like isn't love? That's why it's not as easy as it might seem. I don't want my old life back, I want my life back. Because I think that's the kicker - For five months and five days, I felt alive. I had a life. I was loved and I loved. I don't want to imagine my life any other way.

Yet... Here I am. My old life laid out before me. I'm staring straight ahead, not moving. With tears in my eyes.

Comments

  1. Unknown17 November, 2013 10:30

    :'( I'm here. You know where to find me. 2014 is back on the books. I love you so very much.
    P.S. I'm way behind in my RBH readings. I'm sorry. Bad PL. Catching up now. xoxo

    ReplyDelete

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