Notes from the Red Bird House

I was told the other day that I'm the 'Gorilla Glue' that holds things together at work. I don't know if everyone gets the 'you can't ever leave again' reception when they get back from a week of vacation, but I sure did. It's bittersweet really. I love being wanted, needed, and loved. I do. I promise I do. I'm just getting tired of the demands. After barely an hour back following a reasonably restful vacation, I was exhausted. Not of the work itself, but of being pulled in a thousand different directions with each direction thinking it was the priority. I know I was gone for a week and a lot of things didn't get done. I understand. However, that said, I'm only one person. One. At this point, I'm four months from my next vacation and wishing it started tomorrow. Up until yesterday, I loved my job. I enjoyed being wanted, needed, and loved. Now I'm just sick of it all. It honestly sucks being everything to everyone. Stacee, Stacee, S...

I've decided to go month-to-month with my hair. I dislike it. I do. Categorically and with a fervor that probably borders upon hatred. I suppose when most people dislike something to this extent, especially something as readily changeable as hair, they change it. Yeah, well... I'm not 'most people'. In contrast, I'm determined to endure and find a length I may actually like. I mean before it drives me completely bonkers and I scrap the #4 guard in favor of a #2 and shave it into submission. It'll happen eventually, the craziness. I'll get tired of it an cut it off. God knows, I've done it before, so I really don't hold out much hope for it's long-term survival. And that's why I'm going month-to-month. Sure, it's just a self created rule that I can break anytime I want, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm attempting to be patient. As we know, patience is a big thing for me and something I'm not extraordinarily...

I'm sitting at an 'alternative bar' (by that I mean an alternative to standard heterosexuality). I don't drink much anymore so I'm just enjoying some country music and writing. Oh, and sitting on what seems to be an old church pew. I didn't see a kneeler on the back but sometimes they take those things off anyway. Not many people take as much glory as I do in an old church pew. I personally would never take off the kneeler but that's just me. I mean I guess minus the kneeler it's a hard, wooden couch. Call it what you want. I'm deeply fascinated by this pew and where it's located. I'm certain that the original users of the pew prayed against this kind of thing. I'll bet they never had lesbian sex. If they had, they might have been a little less vocal in their criticism of the matter. Nothing wrong with homosexuality, other than the fact that the Romans liked it. Then given that the Romans killed Jesus, Christians had to kill homosexua...

I'm pretty sure that I'm done apologizing for it, though I'm sure I will again at some point just to be polite. I run into a lot of people who make the rash assumption that everyone is like them. Couple that with my overall, though heavily moderated, friendliness, and I'm fucked every which way from Sunday. People don't get it and, as such, don't get me. I'm not mad at them for it, even though it is incredibly frustrating. I know I've explained these things to many people over the years. Some eventually come to understand me and stay my friend. Others understand and bolt. Still others never get it and for whatever reason chose to stay in my life anyway. I usually jettison these folks following one too many guilt trips. You see, I'm beyond lying and almost beyond apologizing. If I don't want to be around people, I'm going to say so. This, let's suffice it to say, accounts for about eighty percent of my non-sleeping, non-working life. I d...

I dreamed about an ex-girlfriend last night. I'm pretty sure I know why. She's been on my mind recently. No, no... It's not like that. I'm not pining or weepy or even angry.  I gave up all that long, long ago where she is concerned. It's just that time of year again, and while I've passed through eight such times of year, I still find myself thinking of her. No harm. No foul. I do it twice a year at least, three times if I remember her birthday. She is synonymous with early May and late-mid January without question. These were our times for better or worse. May was better and January worse, but in the subsequent near decade I've come to see them as the absolute best decision I ever made and the absolute best decision ever made for me. Old chapters end and new ones begin without notice or warning. Sometimes those things that begin great end crappy and those things that begin crappy end great. And really, 'crappy' is relative and tends to ease with...

I'm torn about what to do with my hair. I know I'm not unique among women when I say this. Women very often don't know what to do with their hair. Of course, for me it's not about color or really all that much about style. It's not about growing it out either. That ceased to be an option my senior year of college when I ended the 'let's grow it out and see' experiment that began my senior year of high school. Four years of longer (I hesitate to say 'LONG') hair were plenty to convince me that my mother was right when I was six. That's when she got tired of me whining about tangles and what seemed to be interminable hair washing sessions. One thirty minute appointment later, where I'm sure I squirmed mercilessly, I had short hair. With the exception of the four year experiment (that went horribly wrong in my book, including but not limited to the perms my mom signed me up for to keep my blah thick hair from just hanging there), I've ...

I'm a believer in Ultimately. Which really means that I believe in the future. Today may be so-so and the possibilities far from endless, but the future... that's where it just might be. What? Anything. Everything. Ultimately, every wish I have may come true. Or it may not, but I try very hard to stay positive when it comes to dreams and wishes. Historically (and by this, I mean MY HISTORY), thoughts have become things. Ultimately, yes. Immediately? Yeah, probably not. At least not right now. Everything has it's time and that time is generally speaking sometime in the future. It's unforeseeable. It is. We can do all the tarot card readings we want and shake our Magic 8 Ball until it breaks, but we will never be any closer to knowing. Sometimes, I think it's better to just let the future evolve. When we start trying to predict it, we start fucking it up. Unlike a lot of people, I don't believe that the future is already written. I think God may have an idea abo...

I'm not sure exactly what I'm tired of or why, but there's no denying it. I'm tired. I suppose I should start 2012 out on a more positive note, but then again I'm not sure being tired is a bad thing. If anything, it'll make me change a few things. Hmm... I guess that means 'negative' and 'positive' are found exclusively in the interpretation. I guarantee someone will read my opening line and ream me for being too negative (trust me, it happens). Ah-ha! Keep reading. We'll soon see that I'm not the negative one in that equation. I choose to frame my tiredness another way and use it to my advantage. I'm tired of a lot of things - dishes in the sink (not mine), the ever-expanding pile of dirty clothes in my laundry basket, running crappy, the way my weight seems to yo-yo incessantly, being at the beck-and-call of my co-workers (who I still love dearly), my hair (which probably won't survive the day), being broke (partly why I'm...

I am cloaked in a spiritual armor held together with faith and trust. Within and without, I am strong. This is all anyone needs to know about me. That I can run five miles in less than forty minutes doesn't matter. That I can write in complete sentences doesn't matter. That I'm terrible at golf, darts, and calculus doesn't matter. In this world, I am everything and nothing. Nothing I do or say will ever change that fact. I am calm, caring, and seemingly purposeful. I am also opinionated, selfish, and a 'loner'. It just depends on who is speaking. Most think they know me, though I am certain they do not. I am good with that. I am only temporary in this world anyway. And really, as long as I know who I am, I am. Which means that I will always be. I know a few things about me that few will ever realize. I am Glory. I am Grace. I am Love. I am Eternal. I am One. And I will be the change. When I say things like that, people roll their eyes. Maybe it reminds the...

All my friends are fond of telling me 'it's them, not you'. They have the problem, not me. Really? The first time or two I believed it, but now? Sheer numbers alone should encourage doubt, yet my friends steadfastly 'believe' that it's not me; that I'm not the one with the problem. It's not that I've suddenly changed my mind and want a girlfriend. I'm the same as I've been for quite awhile now. I'll make the statement again for effect - I don't want a girlfriend. Not really anyway. It usually ends up more trouble than good and I don't need any more trouble. However, that's not the point. It would be nice if just once someone tried to convince me to change my mind. Just once I'd like someone to stand up to me, say that they like me, and do everything they can to make me like them back. Does that sound odd? It shouldn't. Simply because I don't want a girlfriend doesn't mean I don't want someone to want me...